I have a dream that one day, all married farangs, will be happily married to their Thai wives and live a life full of roses and other smelly plants.

So, I decided to make it a reality, by composing the 10 most important issues to check, before you commit yourself to a marriage.

This is done for the benefit of the younger members, up to the age of 60.

Over 60, just get the first woman that will accept you, and don’t forget to Thank her, for having you, at least 5 times a day.

The checklist.

1. Check, behind her ears.

If you see the word “Ladyboy”, written behind her ears, irrespective of the font, she is probably a Ladyboy.

No much difference to other women, BUT, you will not be able to legalise your marriage, in Thailand, at least for the moment.

2. Check, her IQ.

Give her an IQ test.

If it reads, 0 to 3, you will have a happy marriage, as it will take her a very long time to understand what an awkward person you are.

4 to 6, it will not take a long time till she throws you out of HER house.

Over 7, don’t worry, she wouldn’t even come, near you.

3. Check, her mother.

If her mother, looks like a barrel, in future, your wife will look like a barrel too.

They tend to forget, diets and exercise, after they get married, so you can land living with a whale, instead of a wife.

But again, some people, like them fat.

4. Check, her cooking.

Love starts from the stomach.

Before getting married, ask her to cook for you, many times, and evaluate her cooking.

If it is good, you are heading for a happy marriage.

If she is not a good cook, look for another wife, you will not have a happy life.

5. Check, with a lawyer.

We all have, some sexual fantasies and we expect, these, to be fulfilled by our future wife.

But, that never happens.

So, get her to a lawyer, before you get married, ask him to draw a detailed document of your fantasies and specify your future wife’s obligation to fulfil them.

This agreement, should be in Thai and English and should be signed by your wife, in front of 2 witnesses.

Also her fingerprints, from both hands, should be on that agreement.

6. Check, her sexuality.

Observe, very carefully, your wife to be, how she reacts in a group of other women.

It often happens, that women, turn to lesbians, after a period of marriage.

And don’t think, that you will ever be able to have a go at her lesbian partners.

They, will all kick you out of HER house, in no time.

7. Check, with a psychiatrist.

Women, are not as delicate, as you all believe they are.

A lot of them suffer, from the split personality syndrome.

Married people would recognise the Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome in their wives.

One minute, they can be as loving and cuddly as anything and the next minute they turn to ferocious beasts, trying to rip you apart.

So, take her to a good psychiatrist for a check-up and a diagnosis.

It could save you a lot of unpleasant moments in your future married life.

8. Check, her capability of working.

We are all obliged, by society, to believe and adhere to the gender equality.

So we should expect, our future wife, to be able to work, and contribute equally to all our expenses and cost of living.

Also to be able to attend to the house work, cooking and raising our kids when she comes back home.

Make sure, she is capable of all these, otherwise you are in for a nasty surprize.

9. Check, her physique.

Give yourself a choice, before you get married to a certain woman.

Allow yourself the luxury of choosing between 3 or 4 women before you are stack for life with a particular one.

Observe, their capabilities, the way of thinking, their physique.

And choose wisely.

I would suggest, you should go for the one with the bigger tits.

But I leave that to your discretion.

10. Check, for other options.

We all have the option to choose the best for our lives.

Before you get married, take a step back, and imagine the quality of life you could have if you didn’t get married.

You could have a different girl every night.

You could drink as much as you liked and whenever you liked, without having a wife to wait for you with the pastry roller in her hands, behind the front door.

You could fart freely and as loud as you liked, without her giving you the evil eye.

And last but not least, you could spend your money, as it pleases you and not share it with somebody else.

Think of it.

Like, Moses, I am delivering you the 10 commandments.

Cherish them, obey them.

Now, go forth and multiply, replenish Thailand with lots of adorable little Luk krungs and the whole earth will be yours.

Amen.

Good one! But you forgot the TGAU!

Good one! But you forgot the TGAU!

TGAU, hasn't been developed to deal with marriage in Thailand.

But all the team is working towards that goal.

Please, watch this space..............it will take your breath away.

Costas, I always like your post, sometimes I don't agree with you, but that is life.

In this one you say you had a dream.

Are you sure it was not a nightmare?

Ps. I hope you have a bettere dream tonight.

Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

You could have sums it up in a few words... marriage is a crap shoot:

- a risky and uncertain venture... it all boils down to you and your luck.....

Surely you should also keep a pet Badger?

Dear Costas2008, you seem to know a lot about marriage, but not much about IQ scores.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intelligence_quotient

Bearing in mind that the 'average/normal' for IQ is 100, Costas is quoting some very low numbers.

A woman with an IQ under 50 probably wouldn't be capable of stringing two words together or wiping her own butt, so if that's the level YOU need for a happy marriage, go for it.

I need intelligence, someone who can at least hold a conversation, speaking in more than grunts, and whose knuckles don't drag on the ground.

I guess Costas's requirements say as much, if not more, about him as they do about his taste in women?

Seriously, a woman with an IQ of 0-3 !!!??? You'd be keeping her in a cage.

I loved it. A fun post but a lot of underlying truths.

Well done Costas.

Nice Post. good advice, ecept i don't agree with the great mammary claim. Smaller appendages with pert appointments remain more amenable to erotic appeal in old age. The greater assets tend to sag, wag and wiggle like wet sacks of lumpy rice. :--))

and best not discuss the rather unappealing displaced implants.

I learn something new every day here in LOS. That check behind the ears thing...

Bearing in mind that the 'average/normal' for IQ is 100, Costas is quoting some very low numbers.

A woman with an IQ under 50 probably wouldn't be capable of stringing two words together or wiping her own butt, so if that's the level YOU need for a happy marriage, go for it.

I need intelligence, someone who can at least hold a conversation, speaking in more than grunts, and whose knuckles don't drag on the ground.

I guess Costas's requirements say as much, if not more, about him as they do about his taste in women?

Seriously, a woman with an IQ of 0-3 !!!??? You'd be keeping her in a cage.

I believe he was referring to the "Hellenic Scale".

Well done Costas I'm glad someone has finally figured out marriage. A Nobel Prize is in order.

A lot of effort gone in to to writing such crap!

Thanks for those pearls of wisdom Costas. I have been hovering over a few of those points in the last 20 years in Thailand but recently I am stuck at number 10 and loving it. Thought I would let you know just after a marathon bouncing session with kitty I was walking along Soi Bukaow in Patts and on the left hand side walking towards Pattaya Glang I see "Greek Food" I immediately turn left. Yep its a Greek guy and his Mrs does all the cooking which is not bad. Had the chicken souvlaki and the greek salad but unfortunately no olvies!! a cardinal sin. He said Kalamatas are very hard to get in LOS but plenty of Spanish ones. If you are lucky he will have olives when you visit. Sorry don't have any more detailed location my head was in a bit of a spin at the time

The problem with your message is it leaves out all of the things the MAN should do in order to have a good marriage. I would list ignorance of or derisive of her belief in Buddhism as tops on HIS list for HIS changes.

What a stupid waste of words. DON'T MARRY A THAI WOMAN. They all end in disaster some after a month, some after a year and some after ten years. OH but my wife is different I hear some of you saying.....she's not...they are all the same......money grabbing...deceitful.. and just biding their time.

What a stupid waste of words. DON'T MARRY A THAI WOMAN. They all end in disaster some after a month, some after a year and some after ten years. OH but my wife is different I hear some of you saying.....she's not...they are all the same......money grabbing...deceitful.. and just biding their time.

As much as I would like to slate you.

I believe there's truth in that

What's, with, all, the, commas?

A lot of effort gone in to to writing such crap!

Let us see you do better then or is this, as I suspect, the total quality of your life's observations

More poppycock...and hogwash!...IMHO

More poppycock...and hogwash!...IMHO

Sadly another humourless roach

I learn something new every day here in LOS. That check behind the ears thing...

If you have to check behind the ears to see if it's a ladyboy, perhaps that 0-3 IQ is what you need.

"3. Check, her mother.

If her mother, looks like a barrel, in future, your wife will look like a barrel too.

They tend to forget, diets and exercise, after they get married, so you can land living with a whale, instead of a wife.

But again, some people, like them fat."

Not a problem for me, my gfs are so young, and I am so old, I would be dead long before they attained "barrel" status.

"4. Check, her cooking.

Love starts from the stomach.

Before getting married, ask her to cook for you, many times, and evaluate her cooking.

If it is good, you are heading for a happy marriage.

If she is not a good cook, look for another wife, you will not have a happy life."

Never met a woman, of any nationality, whose cooking is better than mine, I do the cooking!

What a stupid waste of words. DON'T MARRY A THAI WOMAN. They all end in disaster some after a month, some after a year and some after ten years. OH but my wife is different I hear some of you saying.....she's not...they are all the same......money grabbing...deceitful.. and just biding their time.

You need some help, my friend.

What a stupid waste of words. DON'T MARRY A THAI WOMAN. They all end in disaster some after a month, some after a year and some after ten years. OH but my wife is different I hear some of you saying.....she's not...they are all the same......money grabbing...deceitful.. and just biding their time.

And their foreign husbands are all old, fat, bald and heavy drinkers, right?

Genaralisations are stupid... generally!

What a stupid waste of words. DON'T MARRY A THAI WOMAN. They all end in disaster some after a month, some after a year and some after ten years. OH but my wife is different I hear some of you saying.....she's not...they are all the same......money grabbing...deceitful.. and just biding their time.

Wow, she (they) really hurt you, too bad. Maybe you need help.

A humorous post and the 0-3 iq posters don't get it

What a stupid waste of words. DON'T MARRY A THAI WOMAN. They all end in disaster some after a month, some after a year and some after ten years. OH but my wife is different I hear some of you saying.....she's not...they are all the same......money grabbing...deceitful.. and just biding their time.

Wow that is a bitter rant. Did you just check bejind her ears and just found out?

Why can't the majority of TV members see the post for what it clearly was...A bit of fun. We all need a good laugh these days with all the horrors going on around the world.

THANK YOU FOR THE BEST LAUGH I HAVE HAD IN WEEKS!

You are so right on so many levels! You have a talent for writing and I suggest that you follow that talent. Especially here on TV! You should have your own page! For your humor is just what this site needs! More laughs and fewer "down in the dumps, hate Thailand, all Thai women are just our for money, expats with nothing better to do than bitch and moan about their lives and how stupid the rest of us are by not listening to them". So THANK YOU again! Perfect piece all round!