My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. '

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a 20case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed oveto my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started......

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....

Paddy was walking along the street in Dublin when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire.

Paddy being the kind-hearted Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help and notices people trapped 5 stories up.

Paddy yells to the people "I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, the Irish Rugby Union fullback, if you jump I'll catch you."

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.

Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and jumps.

Sure enough Paddy catches him safely.

Then a black man jumps out and falls to the ground, Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.

Paddy looked up and yelled: “Don't throw out the <deleted>' burnt ones!”

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day

when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top , was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

Now that one made me smile !!!

Bottle of red wine later....Apologies if you've heard it before:

George W. Bush was in a press conference with some South American journalists. One of the journalists asked a question:

"So, Mr. Bush, after all this time at war in Iraq, how do you feel that 3 Brazilian soldiers have been killed?

GW went pale in the face, looked really shaken, turned to his (very patient) assistant and asked:

"Errmmm.....How many is there in a Brazilin"?

F. you, made me laugh anyway.

New World Study

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And Finally...........................

In England, Australia & New Zealand, they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

40 Aboriginals arrive at the Pearly Gates

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying.

'I've got 40 Aboriginals here.

Can I let them in?'

God says

'We are over the quota on Abo’s.

Go out and tell them to choose

between them which are the 12 most worthy,

and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later

St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the f*&^%$g gates'.

Sumfin wrong with font contruls........grrrrrrr

Little known facts about Penguins

Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Ever wonder where they go? Wonder no more. It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguins have a very strong community bond. They are very committed to their family and will mate for life. They also maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly-dug grave kick him in the ice hole and sing...

(look down a bit further)

"Freeze a jolly good fellow..."

Little known facts about Penguins

"Freeze a jolly good fellow..."

When AltumAngel was posting in Jokes subforum I searched the rules for "no bad jokes will be tolerated" Unfortunately due to our esteemed leader being Swedish and consequently having his vestigial funny bone removed at birth this was overlooked when drawing up the rules book.

For that you, my good friend should be gratefull

CB

A guy returns to the doctor after having tests done.

Dr says that he's got good news and bad news.

Guy says give me the bad news first so that the good news will cheer me up.

Dr: "Ok, you've got terminal cancer and you have 3 months to live"

Patient: "That's terrible! What could possibly be good news after that!?"

Dr: "Well, you also have Alzheimers, so you can go home and forget about it."

I signed my dog up for welfare.

Do you think he's eligible?

He's black, lazy & has no frigging idea who his daddy is...

Wot's up with font controls??????????

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

there ya Gogh!

What about that South African runner who has to have a gender test then.......

Apparently the first test is reverse parking.

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

there ya Gogh!

Very clever if you pronounce it 'go'. And who does that?!?!

What about that South African runner who has to have a gender test then.......

Apparently the first test is reverse parking.

Very good Moony!

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

there ya Gogh!

Very clever if you pronounce it 'go'. And who does that?!?!

Vincent's grumpy uncle, Farr doesn't.

Very clever if you pronounce it 'go'. And who does that?!?!

Quite right there, Suegha. Here is the correct pronunciation.......

vincent_van_gogh.mp3

What about that South African runner who has to have a gender test then.......

Apparently the first test is reverse parking.

Caster Semenya, the woman 800m runner being gender tested, is, quite

appropriately, an anagram of 'Yes, a secret man'.

What about that South African runner who has to have a gender test then.......

Apparently the first test is reverse parking.

Caster Semenya, the woman 800m runner being gender tested, is, quite

appropriately, an anagram of 'Yes, a secret man'.

And an anagram of Leung Ken is "Kneel Gnu". An order to a subservient Wildebeest.

What about that South African runner who has to have a gender test then.......

Apparently the first test is reverse parking.

Caster Semenya, the woman 800m runner being gender tested, is, quite

appropriately, an anagram of 'Yes, a secret man'.

And an anagram of Leung Ken is "Kneel Gnu". An order to a subservient Wildebeest.

Thanks to Blinky for my cue.... Now I'd like to give you my rendition of that old Flanders & Swann classic How Do You Do "I'm A Gnu"

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on

the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a

nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of

Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to

a group of Czech tourists.

What's the difference between a slice of bread and a Frenchman?

You can make soldiers out of a slice of bread.

.

Very clever if you pronounce it 'go'. And who does that?!?!

Quite right there, Suegha. Here is the correct pronunciation.......

I hope people listen and remember...

What about that South African runner who has to have a gender test then.......

Apparently the first test is reverse parking.

Then they'll ask her to put up a shelf.

Check if she leaves the toilet seat up.

Oooh, add your own gag...

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

Very clever if you pronounce it 'go'. And who does that?!?!

Quite right there, Suegha. Here is the correct pronunciation.......

this is Bill Gates. an error occurred! click OK, close program and restart windows. then try not to say Kogh but Gogh

Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play aussie rules and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood.

He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.

Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Carlton with only 10 minutes left.

The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - kicks 7 goals in

10 minutes and wins the game for the magpies!

The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.

When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 6 goals down, but I kicked 7 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media...

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'

The young Iraqi is very upset.

'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'

'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!'