Like it !!!

It's a good 'un!

A WOMAN'S POEM:

He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...

Just like his Mother use to do.....

Tasmanian couple walk out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.

Husband says, 'Oh for fux sake stop crying, you're still my sister'

It's the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.'

'This is incredible', said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for an AFL Grand Final and not use it?'

The neighbour says 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.'

'Oh .... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?'

The man shakes his head, 'No, they're all at the funeral.'

I read a great book last night about glue. I couldn't put it down.

boom boom

I read a great book last night about glue. I couldn't put it down.

boom boom

I slept like a log last night.

I woke up in the fireplace.

BOOM BOOM!

I slept like a log last night.

I woke up in the fireplace.

BOOM BOOM!

Dum ash-ol

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, Oz PM Kevin Rudd turned to the Queen and said:

As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Rudd."

Rudd thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Mr Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before Rudd could utter another word, The Queen said: "Quite frankly, Mr Rudd, I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that the first truth is a lie and feel superior because they can do it.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

I apologize about this.

I'm an idiot and I needed company....

Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that the first truth is a lie and feel superior because they can do it.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

I apologize about this.

I'm an idiot and I needed company....

This is supposed to be a joke thread.

Er....no. 6 got me.

Regards.

Ya wanna joke.......OK.

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson:

Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

Ya wanna joke.......OK.

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson:

Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

Bet he couldn't figure out how to make it one colour and that same font either

CB

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George! Said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they <deleted> play at night?'

Didn't expect that ending!

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

One day God went to the Arabs and said,

'I have some Commandments for you

that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'

And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested.'

So He went to the blacks and said, 'I have some Commandments.'

The blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,

'Honour thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have some Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said

'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have some commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,

'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have some Commandments .'

'Commandments?'

They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There, that should offend just about everybody.

After having a very pleasant 69 with his girlfriend, Brian remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of pussy on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and also used a whole bottle of Listerine.

As he arrived at the Dentist he also ate a whole packet of extra strong mints.

His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair.

Feeling confident and relaxed he opened his mouth wide.

The Dentist got close and asked “So, you had a 69 before you came here huh?"

Brian exasperated asked “How did you know? Does my breath still smell like pussy?”

The Dentist replied “ No…you have a skidmark on your forehead………..”

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell Her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. "

"What about you Sherman , how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward , can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to 'after dinner.'

Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

says WHO?

Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

says WHO?

Someone who probably doesn't remember what it like to have top teeth

In the Garden of Eden, Adam "knew" Eve.

Afterwards, feeling a bit sticky, Eve went down to the river to wash herself. While she was doing this, God came along and was taken aback. "Eve, what the heck do you think you're doing?" He yelled.

"Just washing myself, God", she said.

God slaps his forehead and trudges off, shaking his head, muttering, "Now I'll never get the smell off those fish".

Told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.

She said 'Tenpin?'

I said, 'No, permanent.'

huh, huh...just like that...

Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

says WHO?

Someone who probably doesn't remember what it like to have top teeth

what are "top teeth"?

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box.

He notices on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then Father Quinn comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

Father Quinn replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Flight Attendant

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and

asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He

advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying

frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and

proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to

the entire cabin,

"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans,

please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took the crabs home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

“<deleted> you - you're having soup. I was talking to the cat."