Three men approach St. Peter at the pearly gates.

St. Peter asked the first man:"What purpose have you used your penis for in your lifetime?"

The man answered: "10 % for sex and 90% for peeing!"

St. Peter shouts "Off to hell you go!" and wooosh...the man is gone.

St. Peter asked the second man: "What purpose have you used your penis for in your lifetime?"

The man answered:" 50% for sex and 50% for peeing!"

Same result as with the first guy.

So it's the 3rd man's turn and he say:" Oh dam, you better send me right to hell. 90% sex, 10 % peeing..."

St. Peters smiles and says: "Welcome my son...this is heaven and no toilet!"

I thought this one was hilarious, seeing as we have a mulit lingual crowd on here.

Four linguists were sharing a compartment on a train on their way to an international conference on sound symbolism. One was English, one Spanish, one French and the fourth German. They got into a discussion on whose language was the most eloquent and euphonious.

The English linguist said: "Why, English is the most eloquent language. Take for instance the word "butterfly". Butterfly, butterfly... doesn't that word so beautifully express the way this delicate insect flies. It's like flutter-by, flutter-by."

"Oh, no!" said the Spanish linguist, "the word for "butterfly" in Spanish is "maripose". Now, this word expresses so beautifully the vibrant colours on the butterfly's wings. What could be a more apt name for such a brilliant creature? Spanish is the most eloquent language!"

"Papillon!" says the French linguist, "papillon! This word expresses the fragility of the butterfly's wings and body. This is the most fitting name for such a delicate and ethereal insect. French is the most eloquent language!"

At this the German linguist stands up, and demands: "Und vot is rongk mit 'SCHMETTERLING'?"

Exactly..wot is rong wiz it?

I heard that joke on a BBC radio program, told by my favourite German comedian, Henning Wehn.

I thought this one was hilarious, seeing as we have a mulit lingual crowd on here.

Four linguists were sharing a compartment on a train on their way to an international conference on sound symbolism. One was English, one Spanish, one French and the fourth German. They got into a discussion on whose language was the most eloquent and euphonious.

The English linguist said: "Why, English is the most eloquent language. Take for instance the word "butterfly". Butterfly, butterfly... doesn't that word so beautifully express the way this delicate insect flies. It's like flutter-by, flutter-by."

"Oh, no!" said the Spanish linguist, "the word for "butterfly" in Spanish is "maripose". Now, this word expresses so beautifully the vibrant colours on the butterfly's wings. What could be a more apt name for such a brilliant creature? Spanish is the most eloquent language!"

"Papillon!" says the French linguist, "papillon! This word expresses the fragility of the butterfly's wings and body. This is the most fitting name for such a delicate and ethereal insect. French is the most eloquent language!"

At this the German linguist stands up, and demands: "Und vot is rongk mit 'SCHMETTERLING'?"

Exactly..wot is rong wiz it?

I heard that joke on a BBC radio program, told by my favourite German comedian, Henning Wehn.

"Considerint that britain once ruled half the world...." Good one!

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

"Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say

again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. "Pick me up, then kiss me;

and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because

I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked

it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?"

I said, "Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

"Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."

Why should you never wear ukrainian underpants?

chernobyl fallout..

The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Sir Winston Churchill. After his retirement, he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner. Some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should choose an Italian ship.

“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship” said Churchill.

“First their cuisine is unsurpassed."

" Second their service is superb"......

"And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first”.

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?

* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?

* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?

* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?

* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?

* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?

* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?

* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?

* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Yeah, all the answers were logically correct.

My new Girlfriend says I have to wait 6 months before she'll give me a BJ.

Of course, I told her that I understand, I can wait and that I'll call her again closer to the time.

George Michael has sympathised with the captain of the stricken Italian liner Costa Concordia.

He said 'I'm often left abandoned and lying on my side with a badly damaged bottom after a nights cruising.

A Newfoundlander is driving down a road in St. Johns .

A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL

Lobster Tail and Beer

'Lord tunderin' jaysus' he says to himself, 'me 3 favourite tings!'

I can well believe this..................

The Arabic text is totally unrelated to the question. It says "The Washington institute of security" !

I thought this one was hilarious, seeing as we have a mulit lingual crowd on here.

Four linguists were sharing a compartment on a train on their way to an international conference on sound symbolism. One was English, one Spanish, one French and the fourth German. They got into a discussion on whose language was the most eloquent and euphonious.

The English linguist said: "Why, English is the most eloquent language. Take for instance the word "butterfly". Butterfly, butterfly... doesn't that word so beautifully express the way this delicate insect flies. It's like flutter-by, flutter-by."

"Oh, no!" said the Spanish linguist, "the word for "butterfly" in Spanish is "maripose". Now, this word expresses so beautifully the vibrant colours on the butterfly's wings. What could be a more apt name for such a brilliant creature? Spanish is the most eloquent language!"

"Papillon!" says the French linguist, "papillon! This word expresses the fragility of the butterfly's wings and body. This is the most fitting name for such a delicate and ethereal insect. French is the most eloquent language!"

At this the German linguist stands up, and demands: "Und vot is rongk mit 'SCHMETTERLING'?"

Exactly..wot is rong wiz it?

I heard that joke on a BBC radio program, told by my favourite German comedian, Henning Wehn.

"Considerint that britain once ruled half the world...." Good one!

Henning at his very best........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_S-KnoaSdI&feature=related

I went hunting the first time in a long while and shot my first turkey yesterday.

It scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section.

It was awesome. Getting old is so much fun.

Remember: don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.

The old guy obeys and says, 99.

The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.

Again, the old guy says, 99.

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.

The old guy begins, "One ...... Two ... Three" .....

A tough old cowboy from south Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously right up to the age of 103 when he died.

He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 Great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren ... and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Sorta brings a tear to your eye, don't it?

Do you think that, at this very moment, Frank Carson is giving Whitney Houston some 'craic'?

Do you think that, at this very moment, Frank Carson is giving Whitney Houston some 'craic'?

No.

My boss called me into his office this morning.

He said, "I've just had a complaint from Sanjay.

Apparently you said that his sister has a moustache and his mum is a fat Paki who has a face that a dog wouldn't lick, is this true?"

I said, "Yes, I've seen the photo in his facebook ."

I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her.

"That's total <deleted>" I replied.

By text, from across the road.

Wait till you see what she does with the lamingtons

A customer complaint in a bakery somewhere in Australia ...

Manager [laughing]: "You're gonna love this. There was a complaint against you."

Assistant: "Oh, okay?"

Manager: "Apparently you ... um, package breadsticks suggestively."

Assistant: "Pardon?"

Manager: "Yeah.

This is what the actual complaint says:.....

'She slid the breadstick into the paper bag while looking at my husband and smiling. I just know she was trying to flirt with him!

We couldn't even eat it, thanks to that hussy!"'

Irish Alzheimers

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday . I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said;"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh ?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery ' I remembered where I left me hat .

Worth watching for a giggle..........

Toughest Job in North Korea.

http://www.youtube.c...d&v=gKH1PymutJQ

Sorry Pete can not open ????

Ditto

Sorry guys, I just copied and pasted.

Try again.........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKH1PymutJQ

-----------------------------------------------

Edit to confirm this'un worked.

LMFAO

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

... When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

Love it..... PMPL

An Aussie guy walks into a pub with a pet Crocodile by his side. He puts the Crocodile up on the bar and turns to the gathered patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this Croc’s mouth and place dick inside. Then ‘ol Croc will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my dick unscathed. In return for witnessing this feat, each of you will buy me a drink”.

The crowd agreed. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his dick in the Croc’s open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped his pet croc hard on the top of its head. The Croc opened his mouth and the man removed his dick unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle”.

An Aussie guy walks into a pub with a pet Crocodile by his side. He puts the Crocodile up on the bar and turns to the gathered patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this Croc’s mouth and place dick inside. Then ‘ol Croc will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my dick unscathed. In return for witnessing this feat, each of you will buy me a drink”.

The crowd agreed. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his dick in the Croc’s open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped his pet croc hard on the top of its head. The Croc opened his mouth and the man removed his dick unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle”.

Not very funny.

An Aussie guy walks into a pub with a pet Crocodile by his side. He puts the Crocodile up on the bar and turns to the gathered patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this Croc’s mouth and place dick inside. Then ‘ol Croc will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my dick unscathed. In return for witnessing this feat, each of you will buy me a drink”.

The crowd agreed. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his dick in the Croc’s open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped his pet croc hard on the top of its head. The Croc opened his mouth and the man removed his dick unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle”.

Not very funny.

Different 'ol croc'.