May 7, 200817 yr After a terrible shipwreck, daleyboy found himself washed up on the shore of an island. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to daleyboy. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely until daleyboy took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman daleyboy had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when daleyboy rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, daleyboy started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
May 8, 200817 yr A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart. 'What do you think you're doing ?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans !' he says 'Put them back, we can't afford it.' says the wife and they carry on shopping... A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart. 'It's my face cream, It makes me look beautiful.' she says. The man replies... 'SO DOES BEER AND IT'S HALF THE F**KING PRICE !'
May 8, 200817 yr After a terrible shipwreck, daleyboy found himself washed up on the shore of an island. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to daleyboy. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely until daleyboy took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman daleyboy had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when daleyboy rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, daleyboy started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?' Ahhhhh....... Daleyboy is an Ocker, hehehe
May 9, 200817 yr Q. Why do Austrians like to goto Raves A. cos they just *love* a little underground house
May 9, 200817 yr "sibeymai" it gets worse err-rar.....................Little Joke not pc...... A bloke starts his new job at the "Kan Tiger Temple" and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding to the tigers, as tigers will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the tigers, he says to himself, because tigers eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the tigers enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the tigers cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new tiger arrives at the "Kan Tiger Temple" . He wanders up to another tiger and says 'What's the food like here?' . . . The tiger says: 'Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees' !!!!! British humour Kan Win
May 9, 200817 yr Kan Win You always got my vote for the best pics. Good onya (whoever she mayeverbe...)sorry, er sister,,, claps and laughs and relaxed times always from you - thanx a lot xx
May 10, 200817 yr Kan Win You always got my vote for the best pics. Good onya (whoever she mayeverbe...)sorry, er sister,,, claps and laughs and relaxed times always from you - thanx a lot xx Patsy, this post sounds like it's been written by a non English speaker. Were you Pished when you wrote it?
May 10, 200817 yr Thanks for the laugh KW. You've succeeded in raising the level of this thread out of the basement.
May 10, 200817 yr Thanks for the laugh KW. You've succeeded in raising the level of this thread out of the basement. That must mean that he gets the Gold for Weightlifting as well.
May 10, 200817 yr An Australian Love Poem. Who said Australians weren't romantic? Of course I love ya darlin You're a bloody top-notch bird And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There's somethin there to grab So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there No sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best I'm tellin' ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think its very sexy That you've got dimples on ya thighs I swear on me nanna's grave now The moment that we met I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get No matter what u look like I'll always love ya dear Now shut up while the footy's on And fetch another beer.
May 11, 200817 yr A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respect fully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?' 'My wife" 'What happened to her?' The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.' He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?' The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.' A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men. 'Can I borrow the dog?' 'Get in line.'
May 12, 200817 yr An Australian Love Poem. Who said Australians weren't romantic?Of course I love ya darlin You're a bloody top-notch bird And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There's somethin there to grab So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there No sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best I'm tellin' ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think its very sexy That you've got dimples on ya thighs I swear on me nanna's grave now The moment that we met I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get No matter what u look like I'll always love ya dear Now shut up while the footy's on And fetch another beer. these are the most romantic words a drunken man could ever say. ...........
May 12, 200817 yr these are the most romantic words a drunken man could ever say. ........... and the most unromantic words are "Dutch Oven" which every Aussie lad (and lady) will recognise - if you get my drift CB
May 12, 200817 yr these are the most romantic words a drunken man could ever say. ........... and the most unromantic words are "Dutch Oven" which every Aussie lad (and lady) will recognise - if you get my drift CB Does Urban Dictionary have the same "drift"??
May 12, 200817 yr Q. Why do Austrians like to goto RavesA. cos they just *love* a little underground house A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9' high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.' So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!' The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want A million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.' 'No <deleted>!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 9 inch Pianist? Kan Win
May 12, 200817 yr Thanks for the laugh Kan Win . You've succeeded in raising the level of this thread out of the basement. Sorry, but the post above weight so much that I failed to lift our standard. However, I shall try once more to Win the Gold Medal that "Thaddeus" mentioned with this little one:- The Sensitive Man A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, And as he shows her around his Apartment. She notices that one wall of his Bedroom is .........................Completely filled with soft, sweet, Cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the Bedroom, With hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them And she was immediately touched, by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy To have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, After awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy "Could be the one!" Maybe he could be the future "Father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she respond s with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, They are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, And says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf" Kan this get any worse-err-arr Kan Win will never be KW
May 16, 200817 yr Possibly the best come-back ever! A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party. Later, after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him: 'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?' The new husband replies: 'It isn't that bad. Past the first 2 inches, it's all brand new.'
May 16, 200817 yr Anger management? Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?" Wife: "I clean the toilet." Husband: "How does that help?" Wife: "I use your toothbrush."
May 17, 200817 yr Drivers’ Licence A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.' The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.
May 17, 200817 yr RULES OF THE ROAD IN THAILAND In order to successfully drive a motor vehicle in Thailand you must understand the transportation gestalt in an entirely different way. Definitions which you once thought were above definition will be immediately re-defined. Please note the following: THE ROAD The road includes not only the paved portion of the highway, but also what we might call the verge, the curb, the sidewalk, the front yard, the roadside footstalls and the Wat. The paved portion of the roadway is generally one lane wide. Not one lane wide in each direction - just one lane. ROAD MARKINGS These colorful white and yellow lines mark the center of the lanes and are especially useful on dark and rainy nights. PASSING OR OVERTAKING Passing or overtaking is the national pastime in Thailand. Observant motorists among you may have encountered the following: 1. The Vertical Triple Manoeuvre The act of passing three vehicles in one accelerated movement. 2. The Horizontal Triple Manoeuvre The act of passing a vehicle that in itself is in the act of passing another vehicle. 3. The Double, Double Manoeuvre The act of passing a vehicle at precisely the same time that another vehicle, coming from the opposite direction, is also engaged in the act of passing. TAILGATING Tailgating is what you do when not overtaking. BEING OVERTAKEN The act of being overtaken is an insult not to be endured. The greater the differential between the vehicle being passed (BMW) and the passing vehicle (pickup or a low ranking saloon) the greater the potential loss of prestige and face. The owner of the more expensive vehicle must always do everything possible to thwart the attempt of the less expensive vehicle attempting to overtake. HEADLIGHTS Rapidly flashing headlights can mean anything including but not limited to the following: . OK to pass now. . Do not pass now . Get out of my way . Help, I am in trouble It takes years or sometimes an entire lifetime to learn this subtle, intriguing, and non-verbal communication skill. Generally however, you have three seconds THE HORN When sounded loudly and frequently, the horn sets up an invisible energy barrier protecting the vehicle and its passengers from all harm. The faster the vehicle is travelling, the better the horn works. SEAT BELTS Not only are seatbelts not worn, seatbelts are absolutely unnecessary. Driver and passengers are protected by the horn. HAZARDS Motorcycles will appear from nowhere and are to be treated with absolute and complete disregard. Animals on the other hand must be treated with great respect. It is presumed that highly evolved creatures like water buffalos, prized bulls, cows, chickens and ducks know how to sidestep a modern vehicle travelling at 150 Km. per hour on a rain slicked road. Dogs born in Thailand on the other hand possess an inbred instinct to leap in front of a speeding vehicle. ACCIDENTS Accidents are rare in Thailand and are usually the result of a malfunctioning horn. Be aware that most heavy vehicle drivers if involved in a serious accident will immediately leave the scene of and run to the nearest police station to inform them of the accident. This age old practice is commonly known as "fleeing the scene" LIGHTS Lights on vehicles are not needed especially at night as they are a drain on the battery. The larger the vehicle (10 wheeled truck, bus, etc.) the less need for illuminating it. Motorcycle riders are presumed to have 20/20 vision in the dark and are immune to all other traffic on the road. If lights are used however, at least one headlight must be pointing in the air. This will ensure that low flying aircraft are detected and will have the added advantage of blinding on-coming drivers. INSURANCE It is recommended that others purchase insurance. This will ensure that any foreigner involved in an accident will be in a position to take the blame and let the insurance company pay for any damage to both vehicles as well as all hospital bills.
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