My Thai wife just had a meltdown

[Don Aleman]

Your " Thai wife" ? I was married 3 times in the US and all of them did this and worse ! Afraid of robbers, burglars, vehicle accidents, Ebola ? No, my friend,

often, as is said "keep your enemies close but your friends, ( wives ), closer !

[TheSiemReaper]

What bar or massage shop did you meet your princess in? Serious question. Where did you meet her ? Did you ever bother to learn Thai ? The dishonest ones won,t touch you with a ten foot pole. The reason why is because you understand everything going on around you. One reason they want to keep you drunk and dumb. Really . How many foreigners can you think of have made an effort to learn some Thai ? My hunch less than one percent. That leaves 99% lost and later with an empty bank account.

And there it goes; the daftest post on this thread... "if you don't learn someone's language they're all thieves, if you do, then it's like having a magic protection stick for your wallet - ting tong mak much?"

[skippy]

forgive her and quit your job.

[thesetat2013]

A lot of Thai wives skim. Had a friend who proudly showed me the townhome he was renting for 8,000 baht a month, with his wife handling the negotiation and all payments with the landlord. I later rented (and then bought) from the same folks and we became friendly. I eventually learned that the unit in question had actually been rented for $5,000, with wifey pocketing $3,000/mo. They were there about 4 years, so....

Hehehee

[SOTIRIOS]

....get ready to get 'booted out the door'....???

[MobileContent]

I am very sorry for the husband, but This is Thailand and marriages do not function here the same way as they do in the west. Here's an option for the OP which I've not seen mentioned. Based on the fact that she stashed the cash instead of spending/gambling it, she's not a bad lady, just a normal Thai wife.

Everything depends on how much you love her and how much you want the family to stay together. All the cowards will advise running away, but a loving husband and father will just not do that. Assuming you decide that this is an asian marriage and you don't actually fully understand the mentality behind that maybe you can consider this. If your marriage and family is worth more to you than the cash - then put the cash back where she had stashed it, don't confront her again about it because she already knows she has been caught. Sort out your bank so that you don't have a joint account with all the money in it. Pay her account every month the usual housekeeping plus a bit. You've decided that you love her more than you love that money - so let that show without talking about the money. Get insurances for her and you (and kid(s)) for life/accident with highlighted clauses of non-payment in the event of foul play. Keep close track of your own money, but pay her each month and as long as the house is running along ok, no need to talk about her money.

Let her get her face back -- it'll take time, but if you decide that you love her more than the money - you'll do it.

I've been chatting with a few Thai couples and they see nothing wrong in what she's done. She had access to money and saved for her future. The fault lies with the farang for making her lose face.

So you advise now about asking the OP to buy insurance on his head and you asked some Thai couple for advise? She had access to a joint account and she withdrawn it. When I told this story to my lady she said it's normal. MY lady get no monthly income and would never dare to take money from our joint account - period and I TRUST her 100%. I can give my FIL/MIL or granny our ATM card and to to withdraw 1000B even if the A/C has 2 million Baht and they would never draw more funds out. I trust my in-laws and wife 100% and never had a problem with them.

If she Mrs from the OP doesn't want to loose face she shouldn't have married someone else as it takes two to tango.

[Jungle Jim]

No the guy is smart. Besides keeping a log book of how much cash you spend daily is a good idea. Gee whiz . I wonder why i have so much money. Because i keep a tally. Unlike most broke people.

How much stashed cash are we talking about. Even as a single guy, i have records, receipts of EVERYTHING I PAY. I count my cash when I leave my house and count my cash when i get home and every oter day tally the numbers.

Gosh, you sound like a lot of fun....

[ThomasHOL]

Yes It seems the comments reinforce my view our marriage is doomed.

Pity really as I'm otherwise happy with my little family. I suppose given what I know now I'm probably living in a one-sided loveless marriage.

What a shame my wife does not see things from an us/together point of view instead of a how-much-I-get/got point of view.

I wonder if her thinking is so entrenched she will never allow herself to live in a normal relationship and is simply unable to accept a relationship based on mutual trust and understanding instead of viewing life as if disaster awaits around every corner and one-self is all that matters.

Come on give yourself a break, don’t let some random comments on a forum ruin your marriage. First of all we don’t know more than a fraction of the facts and secondly don’t trust strangers to decide over your life.

I agree that hidden savings are a breach of trust but you must find out if her explanation is legitimate or not before acting on it. Since you have not told us any details on you relationship I can only guess that you live in Australia or New Zealand based on your comment about the efpos card (that I presume are the EFTPOS system that those countries use). So I would assume that she has a job and brings real cash into the relationship, but not as much as you.

I would suspect that if she was really out to rip you off the money would have been transferred back to Thailand long time ago. So perhaps she is really saving money for things that might happen, but she is doing it the Thai way of hiding money at home. You must understand that many Thais don’t have the kind of relationship that we do with banks. If you grew up poor you never had a chance to borrow money and might not trust the banks all that much. So saving by stockpiling money would be the logical choice.

Here in Denmark I have often heard about Thai girls borrowing money from each other at extreme interest rates. Some of those are to deep in debt to get an official loan but others simply don’t realize that there are better and cheaper ways to borrow money.

So I would suggest that you perhaps take a step back and give it another try. May I suggest that you setup your bank accounts in a way that you don’t treat her as a child but still has some control. I would suggest a setup that we use in our marriage (not out of distrust).

Both of you should have a separate account that your monthly salary are deposited into. You then setup a account for all your common fixed and agree on how much you each contribute with. This works perfectly for us and allows us to do whatever we want with our “pocket money” without the other having to be involved. You could expand it by adding an account for daily purchases with a card attached to it. Then you can tell your wife that whatever money are in that account is hers and if she decides to have cash lying around it comes from her own part of the money.

[sipi]

You would think that all the people whom posted to leave her never had their own mothers save money on the side without pops knowing.

Bullseye.

Thank you. The voice of reason, always welcome.

I this is duffetent.

Nothing wrong in mum being frugal and putting a few bob aside, and it is a good idea.

This is pure stealing..money not given to her by her husband.

The rationale is not the same, the context is not the same.

This would appear large amounts in terms of their income..

It's all about the money.

People say at least she didn't blow it...would have given time..probable under estimated her husband..sometimes I think that the thai expression of "stupid farang" is something some Thais genuinely believe!

I agree, but my gut feeling is that this has been a misunderstanding. I have met nasty ladies, and caring Mums. I am just going on my gut feeling. Yes, she did wrong; but why?

[AnotherOneAmerican]

I am very sorry for the husband, but This is Thailand and marriages do not function here the same way as they do in the west. Here's an option for the OP which I've not seen mentioned. Based on the fact that she stashed the cash instead of spending/gambling it, she's not a bad lady, just a normal Thai wife.

Everything depends on how much you love her and how much you want the family to stay together. All the cowards will advise running away, but a loving husband and father will just not do that. Assuming you decide that this is an asian marriage and you don't actually fully understand the mentality behind that maybe you can consider this. If your marriage and family is worth more to you than the cash - then put the cash back where she had stashed it, don't confront her again about it because she already knows she has been caught. Sort out your bank so that you don't have a joint account with all the money in it. Pay her account every month the usual housekeeping plus a bit. You've decided that you love her more than you love that money - so let that show without talking about the money. Get insurances for her and you (and kid(s)) for life/accident with highlighted clauses of non-payment in the event of foul play. Keep close track of your own money, but pay her each month and as long as the house is running along ok, no need to talk about her money.

Let her get her face back -- it'll take time, but if you decide that you love her more than the money - you'll do it.

I've been chatting with a few Thai couples and they see nothing wrong in what she's done. She had access to money and saved for her future. The fault lies with the farang for making her lose face.

I don't say run away, just keep all your stuff (and money) somewhere safe.

All this BS about letting her save face is the cowardly talk.

She's been stealing from you, you caught her doing it, rub her face in it forever, and don't give her the chance to do it again.

Get insurance so it's worthwhile having you killed? Completely bonkers!

Stealing in Thailand, it's a national pastime.

You can't stop them, but you can limit your losses.

Unlike all the other posters, my gf isn't different,

Steals from my wallet if she thinks she can.

Never more than 100-200 bht in it, and she has no access to my accounts.

Already knows she will inherit nothing if I die, so better keep me going, or find another mug.

She would strip me bare in a moment, given half a chance.

In the words of Mulder

Trust No One.

Edited November 14, 2014 by AnotherOneAmerican

[tim armstrong]

A coffee shop kiosk type arrangement on the street should be well within 60,000. Ours - about to happen will cost about 30,000baht, including fittings, if you make it out of steel for the frame, and use smart board. We are just making one.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

Yes It seems the comments reinforce my view our marriage is doomed.

Pity really as I'm otherwise happy with my little family. I suppose given what I know now I'm probably living in a one-sided loveless marriage.

What a shame my wife does not see things from an us/together point of view instead of a how-much-I-get/got point of view.

I wonder if her thinking is so entrenched she will never allow herself to live in a normal relationship and is simply unable to accept a relationship based on mutual trust and understanding instead of viewing life as if disaster awaits around every corner and one-self is all that matters.

Your marriage is as good as any other in Thailand, based on money.

You just need to control her access to your money more carefully.

Then the problem has gone away.

Trust is for suckers.

[Jungle Jim]

And where did you meet your lovely wife ? did you bother to learn Thai to make the negotiations yourself ? I bet you a million bucks you did not. A lot of Thai wives skim. Mine does,nt. but than again i did,nt meet her in a bar and learned to speak Thai before i arrived on my first trip.

A lot of Thai wives skim. Had a friend who proudly showed me the townhome he was renting for 8,000 baht a month, with his wife handling the negotiation and all payments with the landlord. I later rented (and then bought) from the same folks and we became friendly. I eventually learned that the unit in question had actually been rented for $5,000, with wifey pocketing $3,000/mo. They were there about 4 years, so....

Hehehee

[sipi]

I'll say it one more time, then off to have dinner with the family.

Get professional relationship advice!

Goodnight.

[jpinx]

I am very sorry for the husband, but This is Thailand and marriages do not function here the same way as they do in the west. Here's an option for the OP which I've not seen mentioned. Based on the fact that she stashed the cash instead of spending/gambling it, she's not a bad lady, just a normal Thai wife.

Everything depends on how much you love her and how much you want the family to stay together. All the cowards will advise running away, but a loving husband and father will just not do that. Assuming you decide that this is an asian marriage and you don't actually fully understand the mentality behind that maybe you can consider this. If your marriage and family is worth more to you than the cash - then put the cash back where she had stashed it, don't confront her again about it because she already knows she has been caught. Sort out your bank so that you don't have a joint account with all the money in it. Pay her account every month the usual housekeeping plus a bit. You've decided that you love her more than you love that money - so let that show without talking about the money. Get insurances for her and you (and kid(s)) for life/accident with highlighted clauses of non-payment in the event of foul play. Keep close track of your own money, but pay her each month and as long as the house is running along ok, no need to talk about her money.

Let her get her face back -- it'll take time, but if you decide that you love her more than the money - you'll do it.

I've been chatting with a few Thai couples and they see nothing wrong in what she's done. She had access to money and saved for her future. The fault lies with the farang for making her lose face.

So you advise now about asking the OP to buy insurance on his head and you asked some Thai couple for advise? She had access to a joint account and she withdrawn it. When I told this story to my lady she said it's normal. MY lady get no monthly income and would never dare to take money from our joint account - period and I TRUST her 100%. I can give my FIL/MIL or granny our ATM card and to to withdraw 1000B even if the A/C has 2 million Baht and they would never draw more funds out. I trust my in-laws and wife 100% and never had a problem with them.

If she Mrs from the OP doesn't want to loose face she shouldn't have married someone else as it takes two to tango.

I apologise if my meaning is not clear. I did not ask anyone for advice, I merely recounted the story to some Thai couples I know and their reaction was that the wife still had the money and was saving it for a rainy day, so no harm done. Interesting that your own lady also said it is normal behaviour.

You'll notice that I recommended an insurance policy that does NOT pay out in the event of foul play (murder/suicide/etc).

I have no idea what you mean by it taking two to tango when it comes to losing face.

[EyesWideOpen]

Maybe it is an Asian thing..... My brother married a Chinese girl and took her to the states.

He had a grocery store that brought in a lot of daily cash. He made the mistake of

letting her manage it, and he did not track the cash. A number of years later they

divorced. At that point she admitted she sent weekly large packets of cash back to

her family in Indonesia when she was managing the store . So clearly family connections

trumped being married... Take away lesson ? Keep a sharp eye on your finances

if an Asian woman has access to your funds...

Regarding the original poster ? Instantly dump her, and move on. Life is too short

to be living with a thief..

[skippy]

I must be lucky, 14 years and not a bob stolen.

[Jungle Jim]

Your much smarter than the average foreigner.

How much stashed cash are we talking about. Even as a single guy, i have records, receipts of EVERYTHING I PAY. I count my cash when I leave my house and count my cash when i get home and every oter day tally the numbers.

[Gandtee]

Ready! Steady! Go! Her before you maybe.

[Jungle Jim]

Me too. must be doing something right.

I must be lucky, 14 years and not a bob stolen.

[Jip99]

To the OP manly100 ... 'a large wad of cash'.

Just what is the sum or quantum of the money are we talking about?

The one she showed me was 70'000 baht and the one I found was 60'000 baht.

She now says the money is for her business that she wants to open, (a coffee shop) She said she needs to save money as I had told her we didn't have money (about 400'000 baht) for her to start a business at the moment.

I have to say see seems to suffer from severe financial insecurities (perceived) Is there a cure for this?

Either way trust has been betrayed as far as you are concerned.

That she could stash away at least 130k in cash without you knowing is remarkable on a number of fronts.

That she is able to stash away that amount is almost beyong belief. She has too much money and you seem to be ignorant of that fact.

Thai women appear less financially insecure when they have NO money.

Your decision to move on ot not - but you already know that life will not be the same from now on.

[pinkpanther99]

Divorce might well be the right thing for you but only you know what is best given your current situation.

Come to the decision yourself and don't be swayed by a load of comments from strangers on an internet forum.

You've got your own brain, use it!

[RayHaas]

Yes It seems the comments reinforce my view our marriage is doomed.

Pity really as I'm otherwise happy with my little family. I suppose given what I know now I'm probably living in a one-sided loveless marriage.

What a shame my wife does not see things from an us/together point of view instead of a how-much-I-get/got point of view.

I wonder if her thinking is so entrenched she will never allow herself to live in a normal relationship and is simply unable to accept a relationship based on mutual trust and understanding instead of viewing life as if disaster awaits around every corner and one-self is all that matters.

I would have done what the Thai Husbands do.... Would have said nothing at all but just count the money she stashed away. Than turn of the tab without saying anything...

She will then need to come to you to ask for money but by that time she already realizes that you found out. So for her to stop the loose face concept she will just pack up and go with the stash....

Or.... she will come out with the true story but most likely she will leave....

[khrab]

.

...it should look like an accident

[iamariva1957]

Questions:

1. How much are you talking about?
2. How long has this been going on according to your bank's statement/s?
3. Is this something 'new' or do you think it has been going on for a while and you just picked up on it?

No matter what... if it were me I would:

1. Search for any other stashes of cash and put it away in another place. Somewhere that only you know... your own hiding place. Let her think that it was stolen?
2. Do not put any money found into the bank though. Or open a new account with it in your name only!
3. Remove her from being able to access your bank account!
4. Cancel all but 1 credit card (if she has one on your account) and then keep an eye on it and place restrictions on it (like daily ATM pulls).

I know that Thai women think that they have to take care of their families and put money aside for the futures of relatives (nieces etc). But if they are doing this without your knowledge and without you commitment then I would have to say that, "I smell a rat". If that is the case and the only case ... then get the hell out now. Stopping the flow of the money will bring out the truth in these types of case.

But then again, something could have happened, if this is a new behavior on her part, that she feels ashamed of (like a relative being in debt to a loan shark, etc). If this is the situation then face it with her and get her to understand that you are both in this together. But remember that doing everything together is not a Thai thing. They just do not get the fact that when one is with someone else (in a relationship) that they are a part of something bigger than themselves. But also remember that depending upon her 'character' we Farangs are seen as money machines and this myth should be dispelled straight away given the present situation.

As for her "going nuclear"... this could just be a sign that either she is ashamed and either she herself or someone in her family is in trouble, or she is up to no good. Either way... look for and find the money stashes (there will be more than 1 I fear) and take them back without her knowing. But maybe leave one behind... but do shut her out of the ability to get more from the bank or card for God's sake!

[sletraveler]

Now I suppose I could be wrong here but after 8 years of marriage I think this sort of behavior makes for a difficult marriage ahead for me, and I was hoping this marriage would last my lifetime.

Did they teach you in school, as a wee lad, when faced with a multiple choice question, always go with your first answer, your gut feeling?

But when given a set of choices and you haven't a clue, always pick B.

But seriously it's not a run answer right now it's a try to figure out what her true intent was. My ex, American bitch, after I cutoff all access to money other than what I allowed her proceeded to lie get a credit card in her name that I ultimately was liable for. And for extra cash she secretly took things if mine and sold them.

So i guess you now "trust" but verify what she is doing going forward while figuring out her motivation.

[In Search of Space]

Walk away, I put up with this rubbish for 26 years. Last year she sold land at 18 million baht, put the money in her own bank. I found out told her divorce was on the cards if she didn't return it. This led to fights & extreme arguments until I served her with divorce papers, she was shocked & now wants to give it all back, but now it can't see a future, how can you trust her again.

They will do it again if they want to, I've wasted years, don't you do the same

May I ask ... did you buy the land initially? Meaning using your money?

Not having a go ... just asking.

Thanks

Bought the land in 2007 with a vague plan to build something, I had no reason to distrust her, married 19 years at that time. I think she saw it as some kind of insurance policy in case I found a younger model.

Anyway, she wants to give it all back if I stop the divorce, daughter is over 18, so no complications & money can be her settlement

[hgma]

What's in their head is something you cant forgive.

It's a mode,a selfinflicted vacuum, usually created by 'friends' long overdue from the business, then they, the friends make a living by making other peoples life misarable.

It's you against the Thai world, and i sincerely advise you to throw your Western attidude overboard, or you might find yourself swimming without a life (saving)jacket!!!

[captnhoy]

Some posters want to tell you what to do. I want to ask you what do you want? Do you want a partnership? Or do you want an arrangement? IMO, if you stay with her it will be an arrangement.

[elgordo38]

I had a g/f like this once. Money, camera, shirts mementos I brought with me kept disappearing. I got to the point where I stashed my money in my underwear at night. I found the camera one day stashed on top of the tall kitchen cupboard. One thing I must say in her defense she was working in her mothers huge new store and they were hurting for money. Her mother was always bullying her as well as her lazy younger sister to help out which was not what I had agreed to. When I asked her about the camera she seemed to slip off into never never land smiling and singing and saying that Budda would shower them with bahts and everything would be OK. She was in La La land. This was all happening in a small village. They put up a 600 square metre building and could not pay the bank. This was my cue to hit the road back to Chiang Mai. Never regretted it.