My Ex-GF has got cancer - Should i help? What to do?

[JenniferSG]

OP, whatever your feelings, whatever she has done to you, support her morally.

She needs you desperately in her suffering, g/f or no g/f she is a human being like you.

Don't ignore her don't let her down.

You will regret it for the rest of your life.

Perfect and lovely thing to say. Bravo.

I supported an ex-bf (and his mom) through his terminal cancer - died at age 38. In the end it doesn't matter what betrayals or romance or falling out of love you've had. In the end what matters is that another human being is suffering, and if you can help, you do. Then they're gone, and you can only remember forever how good and kind or how petty you were. I know from my experience that watching what his mom was going through was the worst, and the 3 years she lived - broken - afterwards. Plenty in life trumps the silly spats and romance dramas. Be a good person.

[arjunadawn]

I was not allowed to edit the first post:

She never thinks or plans for the future. It is almost like she has known from the first i met her that she was going to die in a near future. I have thought about this odd behavior since we met. She don't want to work or study, not even learn about how to help me with my thai companys administration. Her only wish is to stay home and care about home and get children. We have tried to get pregnant for more than 2 years without any results. She tried to get pregnant before with here ex-thai-bf, but it did not worked either.

Im 45-years-old. I have no children, but i want to have children now. I have spent my whole life on my career but im ready both mentally and financially to get kids and build a family. She will never be able to get pregnant, nor support my future career or make one for herself. I forced myself to see, after the first horrible shock, the positive thing in this betrayal with the Norwegian, New life and new opportunities will arrice. But i feel so sad for her. Without my help she will die soon for sure...

It hurts so much to see or think about what she did behind my back, so helping her morally will be unbearable. I can help her financially though.

First, as deciet has clearly been evident you owe it to yourself to see the medical records and ask for a "second opinion," which you should pay for. If she does not have cancer.. If she does have cancer, whether it is metasisizing or not, you should help her- in whatever way you mean by "morally."

Life does not provide many people clear roadmaps for choices and invariably we do hurt those we care for most as we are better able to take advantage of them, or take for granted. You would define yourself no better than her actions, though different, if you could make your love aid dependent on reciprocity. If you love[d] her, than love her. If she needs you, than help her. You dont have to get sucked into a physical relationship again but how you manage your grace and compassion defines you as the man you ought to be, not whether (in your narrow opinion) she deserves your support and aid.

She F___kd up, many do (thai woman did the same here, but so did a US woman). But her actions should never define the core principles of right upon which you build your own world.

[arrowsdawdle]

I think she made that choice as far as relationship.She is still a person with needs however and if you are in a position to help her, particuarly in getting proper hospital pain control when it is needed if the situation is as you say it may be a nice thing to do.

Not a good idea to get involved because if anything goes wrong you could be held accountable and this would likely be the case at some level if not in the courts. Ever ask yourself why she didn't call the Norwegian? Maybe she has. Don't be surprised if there are others as well and this is the sick buffalo scheme on steroids.

If you insist on trying to help someone that betrayed you, the first thing to do is to take her to a hospital where she has never been, with help from some Thai friend of yours she has never met, and ask the oncologist for a second opinion and prognosis. If the diagnosis shows no cancer, you have caused her major loss of face, in which case you never want to turn your back, or any other side, to her again. Unless of course, you want to be a legend in your own mind and save her the embarrassment by either suggesting that the doubts about the first doctor are correct and he was taking advantage of her, or that the special Ayurveda treatments seem to have worked. Leave her there to pay the bill on her own or ring up the Norwegian bloke..

[frollywolly]

The sad fact remains that most Thai women are amoral and whilst they know they are doing wrong by being unfaithful, so many of them do it that they tend to regard it as a minor rather than a major indiscretion.

I know that many farangs will not agree with me, but in my many, many years of living with, and amongst Thais from all social classes, that has been my personal experience.

That does not mean that you cannot find a girl who will always be 100% faithful to their husbands, but I reckon for the vast majority - given the right circumstances and opportunity - they will indulge in the occasional brief affair, and they really do not think they are being so bad. It also doesn't mean that they do not care deeply about their husbands. It really is a case of, 'what the eye doesn't see...'

And let's be honest, how many farangs in Thailand have never been unfaithful to their Thai wives? Not many I venture to guess.

Having said all that, I can completely agree with any husband should he decide to throw out an unfaithful wife, and I have done it myself - more than once. Us westerners have slightly different moral standards and expectations, and if we find it impossible to carry on living with an unfaithful wife, then so be it.

As far as the OP is concerned I have every sympathy. If he felt he had to end the marriage then I would support him in this decision.

But ending a marriage and ending a friendship are two different things. You have shared so many years and intimate moments with her that it would be churlish to throw all that away, just because the marriage has ended. Personally I remained friends with all my wives bar one after my marriages were over, and if any of them needed help, within reason I would try to oblige.

Certainly if one of my ex wives had cancer and asked for help, I would try to do so if I had sufficient resources. I certainly wouldn't put my own standard of living at risk to help an ex, but I would do what I could - the same as I would do for any good friend.

In the end it is up to the OP. Do what you feel is right and what you think you can live with after she has gone

P.S. Please double check that she is telling you the truth about this illness.....

A very insightful post.

Being amoral in Western standards is seen in a negative light by many farangs though it should not be.

Too many westerners attempt to control every facet of their life with Thai people and in Thailand and change and control their Thai wife's behaviours. Then they wonder why it doesnt work out.

Understand. Adjust. Accept.

You will be happier for it.

[arrowsdawdle]

Hi,

In March this year 2014 me and my ex-Thai-GF since 4 year broke up after a fight. We have always had a passionate loving relationship. People around us was telling us that we were like teenagers. She 33 and me 45. In May we got together again and we had a wonderful time together and all felt perfect and we had no fights what so ever.

She has a genuine good heart and has always been careful with money and never asked for any expensive toys, gold or anything.

Betrayal

In October this year, i got home after my usual 3 weeks a month trip to China. I had got me a new customer and wanted to celebrate that and had bought her a new 25K smartphone as she desperately needed a new phone. She asked me to install her old Skype to it. When i did, numerous messages popped up from a 41-year-old Norweigan guy who she apparently had been chatting with for a while. I did examine it further (i have never checked her phone or computer before as i'm not a jealous guy) and found that she had been chatting with him for at least 3 month and that they had met each other a few times during his 10 days holiday here in Thailand. Words in chat from both of them looked like "I miss you sooo much" I want to see you again" "thanks for the photos" "You are so beautiful" etc. And the last message was posted the day before i got back home.

She has always been a timid and shy girl so this was really not her style. As you can understand, this relationship was game over from my side and she was kicked out. After this, she has tried really hard to make me forget this, but not asking me to take her back, but just forgive her and hate her.

I headed back to China for work and last time i got home she used her own key after i had refused to open the door for her. She said she wanted to talk. And we talked and cried for the whole night and had sex. Next day i told her that i will never forget what she did behind my back and that she should leave, which she did.

Cancer

Next day i found her drunk (he never drink otherwise) we had a new fight and suddenly she told me that she was diagnosed with ovary cancer at a clinic at her home town in Issan 6 month earlier in April and that it had spread to her intestines and was untreatable according to that doctor.

Future

What should i do? Im fairly financially strong and could help her. She refuses though. She is asking me to forget her and absolute not to tell any of my or her friends or anyone, especially not her sister and mum. I threaten to tell her sister if she did not go to a real hospital as Pattaya Bangkok hospital for a second opinion and she accepted. And she has been there today and new samples been taken. Results will arrive within a week.

But what about then? I love here over anything, but i still cant forget her betrayal. Her explanation is that she felt terrible cause the death sentence and that we earlier had broken up (but got together again) and that i was in China, and there was this Norwegian "friendly" person who made here feel alive again... I don't hink they had sex as she is too shy to jump in bed so quick. But that would have been easier to forgive than the words "I miss you sooo much" to him numerous times during three month.

She never thinks or plans for the future. Almost like she knows that she is going to die in a near future. I have thought about this odd behavior since we met. She don't want to work or study, not even learn about how to help me with my thai companys administration. Her only wish is to stay home and care about home and get children. We have tried to get pregnant for more than 2 years without any results. She tried to get pregnant before with here ex-thai-bf, but it hasn't worked either.

Im 45-years-old. I have no children, but i want. I have spent my whole life on my career but im ready both mentally and financially to get kids and build a family. She will never be able to get pregnant, nor support my future career or make one for herself. I forced myself to see, after the first horrible shock, the positive thing in this betrayal with the Norwegian, New life and new opportunities will arrice. But i feel so sad for her. Without my help she will die soon for sure...

Thanks for reading. All comments are appreciated...

Be strong and let her do it on her own. It's sad she's dying but she doesn't want your support and when someone betrays you like she did, she no longer is worthy of your support.

It is her karma to bear and interfering will only make you feel worse, no matter the outcome.

[Time Traveller]

Future

What should i do? Im fairly financially strong and could help her. She refuses though. She is asking me to forget her and ....

Are you stalking her? No one shows up at your place just to tell you to forget about them.

[arrowsdawdle]

The sad fact remains that most Thai women are amoral and whilst they know they are doing wrong by being unfaithful, so many of them do it that they tend to regard it as a minor rather than a major indiscretion.

I know that many farangs will not agree with me, but in my many, many years of living with, and amongst Thais from all social classes, that has been my personal experience.

That does not mean that you cannot find a girl who will always be 100% faithful to their husbands, but I reckon for the vast majority - given the right circumstances and opportunity - they will indulge in the occasional brief affair, and they really do not think they are being so bad. It also doesn't mean that they do not care deeply about their husbands. It really is a case of, 'what the eye doesn't see...'

And let's be honest, how many farangs in Thailand have never been unfaithful to their Thai wives? Not many I venture to guess.

Having said all that, I can completely agree with any husband should he decide to throw out an unfaithful wife, and I have done it myself - more than once. Us westerners have slightly different moral standards and expectations, and if we find it impossible to carry on living with an unfaithful wife, then so be it.

As far as the OP is concerned I have every sympathy. If he felt he had to end the marriage then I would support him in this decision.

But ending a marriage and ending a friendship are two different things. You have shared so many years and intimate moments with her that it would be churlish to throw all that away, just because the marriage has ended. Personally I remained friends with all my wives bar one after my marriages were over, and if any of them needed help, within reason I would try to oblige.

Certainly if one of my ex wives had cancer and asked for help, I would try to do so if I had sufficient resources. I certainly wouldn't put my own standard of living at risk to help an ex, but I would do what I could - the same as I would do for any good friend.

In the end it is up to the OP. Do what you feel is right and what you think you can live with after she has gone

P.S. Please double check that she is telling you the truth about this illness.....

A very insightful post.

Being amoral in Western standards is seen in a negative light by many farangs though it should not be.

Too many westerners attempt to control every facet of their life with Thai people and in Thailand and change and control their Thai wife's behaviours. Then they wonder why it doesnt work out.

Understand. Adjust. Accept.

You will be happier for it.

...Just like that happy scrap of paper, stepped on and blown around by the wind. How naïve and misguided to suggest that too many westerners try to control a Thai wife when compared to how Thai women can be acceptably abused and controlled by their own countrymen.

Edited November 20, 2014 by arrowsdawdle

[Tuskfish]

Everyone deserves love

It sounds to me like monogamy isan essential part of a loving relationship for you (me too)

You may just need to give her a different kind of love - i.e. support her but don't continue the relationship.

I realise that's not an easy thing to do because of your feelings for her.

That's is why you'll need to be very careful about how you support her, i.e. without hurting yourself too much and without continuing the relationship.

Edited November 20, 2014 by Tuskfish

[BritManToo]

The "free" hospital treatment does not cure any cancer, they just subscribe medicaments to ease the pain and symptoms. at least for her sister who died of cancer last year and got no treatment worth the name.

Whoever told you this about government hospitals is outright lying.

I know many Thais who have survived cancer, for many years, with their treatment.

My GF¨s sisters family may have receive what you call "treatment" but her husband was forced to mortgaged their land and house as a last resort to get a sufficient treatment..".. So the word seems to mean barely sufficient..... I would be happy to do better than that.

How do you know? Did you see and read the bank loan documents yourself?

You don't speak English well, and you don't speak Thai. All you know is what she told you.

Do you even know her sister died? or something she told you?

Do you know the sister was blood related? or just someone she met once or twice?

You do understand every female in the same generation she meets, is her' sister'!

Have you talked to her new boyfriend about her illness?

Is he getting a copy of the same receipts (double the money)? or is it just you paying?

Is he visiting the specialist with her too?

How does the new boyfriend feel about you paying his gfs treatment? Does he even know you exist?

Sounds like you aren't thinking too much!

In Pattaya, Bangkok, Korat and ChiangMai, the government hospitals are very good.

They certainly deal with cancer as effectively as the private hospitals in Thailand.

PS

You already told us she lied to you and cheated on you with another man.

Why do you think she is honest and trustworthy now?

Edited November 20, 2014 by BritManToo

[soalbundy]

Why are you even asking us ? If you want to help then do it, if not don't. Are you looking for exoneration in case you decide not to? As one post said,she has made her choice. The doc said it is terminal, so what help were you thinking of ? still, if you have a spare million Baht go ahead if you're sure it's not a scam. For your exoneration, i wouldn't do it.

[jomcondo]

if she is telling the truth, I would let nature take its course.

[frollywolly]

...Just like that happy scrap of paper, stepped on and blown around by the wind. How naïve and misguided to suggest that too many westerners try to control a Thai wife when compared to how Thai women can be acceptably abused and controlled by their own countrymen.

I was not comparing the cultures. That is one of the issues. Don't compare.

You illustrate my point admirably . On your high horse with your moral judgements about Thai women and Thai men with a shared understanding of the rules of Thai culture and behaviors in a relationship.

From the outside you disagree and so, not understanding, or not accepting the cultural differences, you find it wrong and cast your judgement.

[samsensam]

get in touch with her Norwegian bf - and any others out there - and work out something together.

my mate's gf's mother had terminal cancer, he paid money he couldn't afford for her care and funeral expenses. shortly after the funeral the gf finished with him. keep perspective.

[Alan653]

Yes help her. She was some one you obviously loved and she needs you badly now.

How ever...i wouldnt put much into the diagnosis from any doctor in Issan country.

Take her to Bumrungrad International Hospital in BKK.

Have them do a full exploration and get a real honest diagnosis from them.

They are fully educated on this and have the proper equiptment to help her there.

I wish you all the best of luck, and hope she can recover from this.

God Blees You.

Edited November 20, 2014 by Alan653

[ukguyinthai]

In the Norwegians 10 day holiday in Thailand he was screwing her,and she sent him messages that she wanted more.She is not so timid and shy.She has been cultivating relationships and sex with others on the computer and probably elsewhere.Behind your back.

The person you think you love is not the person she is.

She is playing you.You are sugar-coating her.

Personally I would tell her to ring the Norwegian guy and I wouldn't allow her to emotionally blackmailed me.As somebody said,Game Over,and its all her own fault.

[NanLaew]

Karma's a b!tch.

(or she's a long gamer)

[jamiesilver]

First things first - go with her to a different hospital and get verification that what she is saying is actually true.
If its early there is still a chance, and never trust a Thai doctor - i have lost 2 friends from misdiagnosis.

The last time they went to a hospital they were told they didnt have cancer and just had kidney stones, how relieved we all were!
Then a few months ago he went back for another check up and we were told, you have stage 3 cancer and 3 months to live. unbelievable!

[A1Str8]

I would help her.

[theguyfromanotherforum]

Government hospital does not treat cancer free. I don't know where everyone is getting this information. It cost my gf's friend 160,000 baht for each treatment. Then she run out of money and died.

[grabitanrun]

My friend,

We all live by our own ethical and moral standards, if the illness diagnosis is confirmed and as you say your are financially healthy, then what does your conscience tell you to do - would you ignore someone in need?

[MobileContent]

To the OP - Please wait for the results and your GF might have cervical cancer or maybe early stages. The type 16 and 18 virus of HPV is widely spread around woman's from Isaan and in our village so many woman have been infected by this disease.

As an example when my lady born our child at a government hospital she had to go to the Public Health Hospital and was asked to have a test for HPV done. When she asked why the public health staff told her because of me as I may had contact with bar girls in the past or due to my age had many different partners in the past.

Her test came back but they asked her to make a new test as the results were not that clear due to the fact that she had just born a baby.

I felt like hell and really started to worry but glad the second test came back negative.

If your GF has any type of cancer in the late stage you could easily see the changes on her.

A test at the Bangkok Pattaya Hospital might be a good idea but she could have just provided you the document and you could ask someone to have it translated.

Edited November 20, 2014 by MobileContent

[IAMHERE]

Years from now you will remember mostly the good times. Help her at least toward pain medication, this will be a good memory for you. Don't cheap out because she is sick and had a fling.

[sead]

Just be a friend and find out if its for real. She can try to scam you.. If shes sick for real then be careful because she may try to somehow take care for her family by scamming you. Family comes first.

Ofc you should be her friend and support her mentally. I myself had been diagnosed with cancer but after 3 months investigations it was something else. Those 3 months i just thought about how to take care of my children for the future. I had thoughts of stealing and robbing banks. I didnt think 1 min about friends of gf. Remember thaigirls know that white man wants to be a knight on a white horse. Be careful to not promise to much to her incase she dies!!

Best wishes

[soalbundy]

My friend,

We all live by our own ethical and moral standards, if the illness diagnosis is confirmed and as you say your are financially healthy, then what does your conscience tell you to do - would you ignore someone in need?

depends what she has done to me, there are hundreds of millions in need in the world, somewhere along the line you have to say no

[soalbundy]

Years from now you will remember mostly the good times. Help her at least toward pain medication, this will be a good memory for you. Don't cheap out because she is sick and had a fling.

or two or three or four, it's her job after all, let the latest fool to send a cheque pay.

[maidee]

wait for the results next week ... seems a bit obvious to suddenly come up with cancer, a day after you break up

not working, not learning, so how did she live before she met you ?

what my soon to be EX-WIFE would say: she is your girlfriend, not your wife

so she has the RIGHT to go see whomever she wants, till you got married ....

(maybe play the song: if you like it, put a ring on it...)

how to you like them apples ?

Edited November 20, 2014 by maidee

[bob strutt]

gentelmen, you have all excelled you self in this debate, some of the best advice and kind comments, hope all turns out good for you op, there is some excellent advice been posted, very emotional stuff,

[rotary]

"Scam Alert"

[MediaWatcher]

Hate to say it, but really, why is he asking on a forum, this smacks of a fake story. Writing style is very much like a few others we've had in the last 8 months or so.

[mortenaa]

"Those Norwegians" ....

Can you dig it?