Mary had a little skirt

with splits right up the sides

and every time that Mary walked

the boys could see her Thighs

Mary had another skirt

twas split right up the front

...but she didn't wear that one very often

Simple Simon met a Pie man, going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,

what have you got there?

Said the Pie man unto Simon,

Pies, you dxxkhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings horses and all the kings men

said " F*** him, He's only an egg.

Mary had a little lamb

It ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its arse

and turned its wool to nylon

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,

kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

to have some hanky panky.

Silly Jill forgot her pill

And now there's little Franky.

totster

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings horses and all the kings men

said " F*** him, He's only an egg.

Mary had a little skirt...

This one cracked me up!

Ding dong dell,

Pussy's in the well

We thru some disinfectant in

Coz we can't stand the smell

***

Today outside I saw a worm

Wriggling on his belly

I wonder if he wants to come inside

and see what's on the telly

***

Spike Milligan..... My daughter loved his silly stuff

Any pics of Mary??

BTW... GOOOOOOooooooOOOOOD Avatar (tuk tuk front wheelie)

Sick

I was a little star in the sky

And a twinkle in my daddee's eye......

(As he said - it was a good christmas eve - i was born a year later.......

Sick

?

Its just cos nursery rhymes are supposed to be sorta little girlish and not at all sexual..... (I was also on my way to the toilet at the time too)

repositioning for effect

Mary had a little bike

The pump was up the front

And every time she hit a bump

The pump went up her..... nah, better not...

Little Boy Blew.

Hey. He needed the Money.

Old Mother Hubbard

Went to the cupboard

to fetch her poor dog a bone.

When she bent over

Rover took over,

And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,

Her clothes all tattered and torn.

It wasn't the spider

That crept up beside her,

But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Roll, roll, roll your joint

twist it at the end,

take a puff,

that's enough

and pass it to a friend.

Jack be nimble

Jack be quick

Jack burnt off his little Dick!

Mary had a little lamb,

The doctor was surprised.

Mary had a little lamb,

The doctor was surprised.

totster

Little Boy Blew.

Hey. He needed the Money.

Old Mother Hubbard

Went to the cupboard

to fetch her poor dog a bone.

When she bent over

Rover took over,

And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,

Her clothes all tattered and torn.

It wasn't the spider

That crept up beside her,

But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Roll, roll, roll your joint

twist it at the end,

take a puff,

that's enough

and pass it to a friend.

Jack be nimble

Jack be quick

Jack burnt off his little Dick!

Mary had a little lamb,

The doctor was surprised.

You need to add the HEYs and OHs that the Diceman used, Tip. Yeah, brings back memories.

Mary had a little pig

It was always a-gruntin'

So she took it down the garden path

And kicked it's farkin ..... in!!! ...better not go there either...

You can't half tell what kind of education I had as a kid hey?

Mary Mary quite contrairy how does your garden grow?

Listen you prat i live in a flat

so how the f*** do i know

totster

Mary had a little lamb

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

between two chunks of bread.

totster

Mary sure gets around doesn't she?

Roll roll roll the joint

pass it down the line

take a toke and hold the smoke

blow your f****n mind

Little Miss Muffett

sat on a tuffett

covered in gasoline

along came a spider

with a butane lighter

and blew her to smithereens

Mary Had a Cloned Lamb (a variation on the original theme)

Mary had a little lamb,

its fleece was slightly grey,

It didn't have a father,

just some borrowed DNA.

It sort of had a mother,

though the ovum was on loan,

It was not so much a lambkin,

as a little lamby clone.

And soon it had a fellow clone,

and soon it had some more,

They followed her to school one day,

all cramming through the door.

It made the children laugh and sing,

the teachers found it droll,

There were too many lamby clones,

for Mary to control.

No other could control the sheep,

since their programs didn't vary,

So the scientists resolved it all,

by simply cloning Mary.

But now they feel quite sheepish,

those scientists unwary,

One problem solved, but what to do,

with Mary, Mary, Mary...

Brilliant Too many good ones to quote....

Little miss Muffett,

Sat on a tuffet,

Her knickers all tattered and torn,

It wasn't the spider,

That sat down beside her,

It was little boy blue, with his horn.

And now one for the rest of you.

Mary had a little lamb,

She also had a bear,

I've often seen her little lamb,

But I've never seen her bear.

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,

All the Kings horses,

And all the Kings men,

Had scrambled egg for dinner.

Mary, mary,

Quite contary,

How does your garden grow?

With silver bells,

And cockle shells,

And this <deleted>**ing great oak tree.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall ,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,

And his winter wasn't bad either.

Mary Had A Little Lamb

Mary had a little lamb,

She tied him to the heater.

Every time he'd lift his leg,

He'd burn his little peter.

Mary had a little sheep.

It went to bed with her to sleep.

The sheep turned out to be a ram,

And Mary had a little lamb!

Mary had a little lamb,

She thought it was quite silly.

She threw it up into the air,

And caught it by its ...

Willy was a watch dog,

Lying on the grass.

Down came a bumble bee,

And bit him on the ...

Asssssk no questions,

Tell no lies,

I saw a policeman,

Doing up his ...

Flies are bad,

Mosquitos are worse,

And this is the end of my silly little verse.

Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was white as snow.

And every where that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go.

Now Mary found the price of meat too high,

Which really didn't please her.

Tonight she is having the leg of lamb,

The rest is in the freezer.

Mary had a little lamb,

Its fleece was black as charcoal

Every time it jumped the fence

You could see its little a®sehole.

Mary had a little lamb,

The doctor was suprised.

When Old McDonald had a farm,

The poor guy nearly died.

Mary had a li'l lamb

Its wool was soft and pink

A big bad wolf came by one day

Now Mary has a mink!

Mary had a little watch,

She swallowed it one day.

And so she took some caster oil

To pass the time away.

The oil didn't work.

The time just wouldn"t pass.

If you want to know what time it is,

Just look up Mary's ass!

Jack Be Nimble

Jack be nimble,

Jack be quick,

Jack jumped over the candle stick,

And burned his little dick.

Jack and Jill went up the hill

With a keg of brandy

Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed

Now it's Jack, Jill and Andy.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill

And planned to do some kissing.

Jack made a pass, and grabbed her ass

And now K.O. has two of his front teeth are missing.

Now Thai related:-

Jack and Jill went up the hill On an elephant.

Jill got down and helped Jack off the elephant.

Songkran