Having a man-child for a BF

[smo]

Last Xmas, creeping old age - and loneliness combined - pushed me to find myself a boyfriend. Let's call him J. 

 

***For the record, I'm an American gay male, in my early 60's, living in BKK. For the rest of this account, the "gay" element stops here (but the moderator might/would probably move it to the gay sub-forum, simply because the words "gay" have shown up twice so far...) Regardless neither here nor there, allow me to proceed.***

 

Soon after we started dating, I suspected what I have got in this relationship is not an adult lover/companion, but a man child ie a grown-up with the mentality of 10 year-old. Let's see, when J. is with me the main activities that take over all others are eat, watch TV/youtube then (him) fall asleep (snoring loudly) soon after. We go into an eateries and if they have a tv turned on, J. immediately has to watch it regardless. So in our daily life together instead of having someone who helps me with house chores and such, I am now a nanny (who pick up after) and a daddy (who program and pay for all our activities) rolled into one.

 

J is a sweet "kid," but immensely useless. He is willing to help, but after his quick job of doing the dishes for example, they need to be washed again. During our outings, going to the swimming pool for example, usually it's me who undertake the packing as to what to bring/needed (swim cap, ear plugs, lotion, shampoo etc.), if I forgot something, then J would say, "Oh you forgot to bring the towel!" as if he had nothing to do with it. Even though he's a Thai, more likely it's me who speak up when things/services didn't go right. Survival skills, personal hygiene, are almost non existent - for the former; or still leaves some to be desired - for the latter. As a result after each weekend during which he comes and stays with me, I feel completely worn out.

 

 J. will be 40 next month ("I'm getting old," he said.) He got university education, surprisingly well versed in Western civilization (history wise - and for a Thai,) got a stable job and still lives with Mom... therein lies the gist of the matter! In my lifetime I have come across many mommy's boys: friends, co-workers, relatives and last but not least, myself. Usually the situation involves a single male child combined with a lack of father figure, product of broken home, single motherhood, etc (or simply dad not wanting to be bothered). Invariably, the mother has either by design or simply not knowing better, not allowed the child to grow up, and therefore the boy's mental growth is stunted. Mom does everything so kid doesn't have to lift a finger, even to wipe his own mouth. Mom and kid stay together (forever) on the basis of co-dependency (so mom won't end up alone.) Role model is absent, basic education is lacking. My own dad was around but I did not get an education from him, he left that to my stepmom - a two-timed punch you might say. My own salvation came when I flew the coop at the ripe old age of seventeen.

 

Tonight it hit home when on the phone J. said that he was sorry he couldn't talk much yesterday when I called because "I was going to the store with Mom and I'm afraid she might hear..."  Well, you get the picture. I posted this thread because I am at a loss of what to do or what step to take, even the simplest thing as where to begin (or end)? I have the feeling I I can't play the role of weekend dad much longer... Thanks for tuning in and hope this might have been an article of interest worth your time - if you have some advice and input they would be much appreciated. In the meantime wishing you a nice day/evening. 

Edited March 26, 2018 by smo

[The manic]

Perhaps you are on the wrong forum as 99 % of men are not gay they might have little useful to offer.. Most of us, have women issues  andcwe cantvcant agree!  Good luck but ifvxou were not gay and he was a she I would say dump her ASAP! 

[OneMoreFarang]

Sounds like typical Thai behavior to me. It reminds me of Thai banks or hospitals etc.. It seems everybody stares at the TV - or these days they stare at their private TV called smartphone.

 

But you should ask yourself: Why did you chose this partner and not someone else with more mature behavior?

[Genmai]

Change "J" to "Ploy" and the word "boy" to "girl" and it's no different to what most straight male expats have to deal with here. My advice is not to confuse occasional tourism with permanent relocation and know which category a place (or your partner) falls into. Wish I would have taken that advice years ago.

[thaibeachlovers]

The answer is obvious and you probably know it already, BUT you have to decide what you want and the price ( not money ) you are willing to pay for it.

If company is what you want, he's not even giving you that living at home.

 

Speaking as a currently single and without GF guy, I'd prefer to be alone for ever than put up with that BS, but it does sound like what a lot of us guys put up with to have a bit of "fun". 

As they say here, "up to you".

[sanemax]

Hes not going to change at his age .

[DipStick]

I know nothing about such relationships, however you describe J as your BF, does he consider you to be his GF ? If the answer is yes then that may explain why he expects you to carry out the “wifey” domestic chores.

To me, the most worrying comment was his lack of personal hygiene, and that alone would be a very good reason to end this.

[JohnC]

I would suggest you " man up" and explain the relationship is not working and regretfully you have to end it. Do it in a public place not in your home, if he has keys, change the locks, change your phone number and walk away, life is too short to end your twilight years in a one sided relationship. 

[Gecko123]

Speculating here, but sounds like this guy's role model for the relationship is that of a "gik" or "kept woman," i.e., in exchange for sexual services the other side pretty much does everything else. If he's not interested in playing a more engaged role in your life, I'd downshift the relationship to a more pay for play footing or end it and find someone new. This guy sounds like he has neither the inclination or aptitude to play the role you envision for him. Good luck and thanks for sharing your story.

[smo]

Thanks for all your well-meaning and gracious input/advice  (kudos to all for not having a single gay/old-age bashing in any comments so far,  rather rare on TVF!) which I sure took to heart, thank you. But first a bit of Gen-Ed here, not meant to be condescending, but many seemed to indirectly inquire, "what is/going on in a gay relationship?" 

 

Well, apart from the technicalities regarding "what body part goes where on whom...," most relationships gay, straight and anywhere in-between, reside on the emotional core of the affair, namely providing both parties with "loving" and "nurturing" companionship. Often money provides the "nurturing" (and more often than you would think, sex has gone out the window - just ask Trump about his current wife.) But as long as the "loving" remains, the relationship still stands (I suppose.) [Let's work the triangle: 1) love, money but no sex 2) love and sex, but no money 3) money and sex, but no love...Hmmm, I wonder which profile would best apply to us expats here in LOS, just a thought.]

 

Allow me to digress a bit into the "straight" terrain here: One of my building mates, H., a Finnish expat, recently disclosed that he thinks his marriage to his Thai wife of seven years was a mistake. Soon after he married her, at his then age of 68, he took her back to home country. Once settled, she promptly declared, "I'm too old, too fat, too sick to have sex (with you) anymore." She was still in her early 50s, he still a horny old goat. Now while he snowbirds in Thailand 6 months out of a year, she's happy to doodle by herself back home in Finland (fattening up her for-Thai-eyes only piggybank.) He's happy to be here in Thailand, where he is able and can still (though barely) afford a couple of visits to his "salon" each month. In this case, "where is the love?" I wondered. Or as I put it to him "then why did you marry her (implying why this late in the game) ?" "I don't want to be alone," H. answered.

 

There you have it! At the start of my OP, I said old age creeping in...when the early morning light starts flashing a chill down your spine and you think soon you won't be able to get up by yourself anymore - that's why we pay what we pay to be in a relationship.

 

Back on the topic, most of the points you all have brought up have been thought up too by me, it's the "up to you" that is the hardest part, that's why I asked. Yes, I am slowly "downshifting..."  (if nothing else to avoid the "sudden withdrawal symptom,)  Again thanks for being so gracious and kind! And have a good day ;-)

 

[starky]

Sounds like pretty much every Thai, male or female....ever. The only thing you got wrong was the order it's eat, sleep, play with phone, TV. Without reading too much into it, gay or straight, you came to Thailand at your age for what most people of your demographic want, a bit of fluff. Well a bit of fluff is what you got. All the rest of your  pseudo psychoanalysis doesn't apply if you are paying for a plaything.  You paid your money you makes your choice. So choose different. You also never once said you love him only that you find him "sweet" and that he is your lover so nothing really to work with is there just throw old mate back in the pond and go fishing.

Edited March 28, 2018 by starky

[HLover]

Hang in there sailor, there's bound to be rough seas when dealing with relationships such as this.

[simoh1490]

6 minutes ago, starky said:

Sounds like pretty much every Thai, male or female....ever. The only thing you got wrong was the order it's eat, sleep, play with phone, TV. Without reading too much into it, gay or straight, you came to Thailand at your age for what most people of your demographic want, a bit of fluff. Well a bit of fluff is what you got. All the rest of your  pseudo psychoanalysis doesn't apply if you are paying for a plaything. 

That's pretty much spot on.

[starky]

2 hours ago, smo said:

Thanks for all your well-meaning and gracious input/advice  (kudos to all for not having a single gay/old-age bashing in any comments so far,  rather rare on TVF!) which I sure took to heart, thank you. But first a bit of Gen-Ed here, not meant to be condescending, but many seemed to indirectly inquire, "what is/going on in a gay relationship?" 

 

Well, apart from the technicalities regarding "what body part goes where on whom...," most relationships gay, straight and anywhere in-between, reside on the emotional core of the affair, namely providing both parties with "loving" and "nurturing" companionship. Often money provides the "nurturing" (and more often than you would think, sex has gone out the window - just ask Trump about his current wife.) But as long as the "loving" remains, the relationship still stands (I suppose.) [Let's work the triangle: 1) love, money but no sex 2) love and sex, but no money 3) money and sex, but no love...Hmmm, I wonder which profile would best apply to us expats here in LOS, just a thought.]

 

Allow me to digress a bit into the "straight" terrain here: One of my building mates, H., a Finnish expat, recently disclosed that he thinks his marriage to his Thai wife of seven years was a mistake. Soon after he married her, at his then age of 68, he took her back to home country. Once settled, she promptly declared, "I'm too old, too fat, too sick to have sex (with you) anymore." She was still in her early 50s, he still a horny old goat. Now while he snowbirds in Thailand 6 months out of a year, she's happy to doodle by herself back home in Finland (fattening up her for-Thai-eyes only piggybank.) He's happy to be here in Thailand, where he is able and can still (though barely) afford a couple of visits to his "salon" each month. In this case, "where is the love?" I wondered. Or as I put it to him "then why did you marry her (implying why this late in the game) ?" "I don't want to be alone," H. answered.

 

There you have it! At the start of my OP, I said old age creeping in...when the early morning light starts flashing a chill down your spine and you think soon you won't be able to get up by yourself anymore - that's why we pay what we pay to be in a relationship.

 

Back on the topic, most of the points you all have brought up have been thought up too by me, it's the "up to you" that is the hardest part, that's why I asked. Yes, I am slowly "downshifting..."  (if nothing else to avoid the "sudden withdrawal symptom,)  Again thanks for being so gracious and kind! And have a good day ;-)

 

What do you want? A nurse, a companion, or someone to suck on it? cos you might if your extremely lucky be able to get 2 out 3 there but your not going to hit the trifecta. 

Edited March 28, 2018 by starky

[HLover]

10 minutes ago, starky said:

What do you want? A nurse, a companion, or someone to suck on it? cos you might if your extremely lucky be able to get 2 out 3 there but your not going to hit the trifecta. 

Is that like a hat trick in hockey?

[sanemax]

2 hours ago, smo said:

There you have it! At the start of my OP, I said old age creeping in...when the early morning light starts flashing a chill down your spine and you think soon you won't be able to get up by yourself anymore - that's why we pay what we pay to be in a relationship.

Why dont you pay for a carer ?

The guy in question doesnt seem to fit the bill for being a carer

[scorecard]

22 hours ago, thaibeachlovers said:

The answer is obvious and you probably know it already, BUT you have to decide what you want and the price ( not money ) you are willing to pay for it.

If company is what you want, he's not even giving you that living at home.

 

Speaking as a currently single and without GF guy, I'd prefer to be alone for ever than put up with that BS, but it does sound like what a lot of us guys put up with to have a bit of "fun". 

As they say here, "up to you".

 

 

Seems to me that your an unhappy man 24 hours a day, and the reasons are clear from your post.

 

IMHO you need to ask yourself a valid and simple question: Will it change?

 

The answer is 99% sure it won't change.

 

Next point, why allow yourself to  be so unhappy all day every day? 

 

It might be bumpy but IMHO you need to end it and quickly.

 

There's plenty more fish in the sea, and there's also plenty of people, gay or str8 who are single and happy.

 

Good luck.

 

 

[The Deerhunter]

Probably the o.p. and all the replies explain what Thai women see in Falang men too.  You have the Asian example of the Italian arch typical son.  A mummies boy and spoiled man child, yes indeed.  Get out from under.  (Any pun is comletely co-incidental)

 

[thaibeachlovers]

45 minutes ago, scorecard said:

 

Seems to me that your an unhappy man 24 hours a day, and the reasons are clear from your post.

 

IMHO you need to ask yourself a valid and simple question: Will it change?

 

The answer is 99% sure it won't change.

 

Next point, why allow yourself to  be so unhappy all day every day? 

 

It might be bumpy but IMHO you need to end it and quickly.

 

There's plenty more fish in the sea, and there's also plenty of people, gay or str8 who are single and happy.

 

Good luck.

 

 

I could answer that, but it'd be off topic and even more depressing, so I won't.

Have a nice day.

[simoh1490]

1 hour ago, starky said:

What do you want? A nurse, a companion, or someone to suck on it? cos you might if your extremely lucky be able to get 2 out 3 there but your not going to hit the trifecta. 

First and Third works for me and I'll buy a dog for number Two.

[roo860]

First and Third works for me and I'll buy a dog for number Two.

Is beastiality legal in Thailand?

Sent from my SM-G920F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[Acemaker]

23 hours ago, DipStick said:

I know nothing about such relationships, however you describe J as your BF, does he consider you to be his GF ? If the answer is yes then that may explain why he expects you to carry out the “wifey” domestic chores.

To me, the most worrying comment was his lack of personal hygiene, and that alone would be a very good reason to end this.

This whole Topic just makes me want to Puke, what is it even doing in here, quite disgusting.

[Jingthing]

34 minutes ago, Acemaker said:

This whole Topic just makes me want to Puke, what is it even doing in here, quite disgusting.

Why? I think it's kind of boring. 

My view is that both single and coupled people are both often miserable, but it's a different flavor of misery. 

Edited March 28, 2018 by Jingthing

[klauskunkel]

wait for the man-child to hit midlife crisis..., maybe some stuff will cancel itself out.

[johnnybangkok]

34 minutes ago, Acemaker said:

This whole Topic just makes me want to Puke, what is it even doing in here, quite disgusting.

I see the homophobic train has arrived. No one is forcing you to read and comment and I think most of us would prefer if you didn't.

Adults are talking now so please go 'puke' elsewhere.

[HLover]

39 minutes ago, Acemaker said:

This whole Topic just makes me want to Puke, what is it even doing in here, quite disgusting.

It's in the pub talk section, seems appropriate and I've heard worse tales of tail.

[Gecko123]

28 minutes ago, Acemaker said:

This whole Topic just makes me want to Puke, what is it even doing in here, quite disgusting.

I learned a lot from this thread. The OP's honesty about his sexuality, mortality, and hearing how he weighed the pros and cons of his relationship provided an unusual opportunity to appreciate the humanity we all share regardless of sexual orientation.

[GarryP]

42 minutes ago, Acemaker said:

This whole Topic just makes me want to Puke, what is it even doing in here, quite disgusting.

So hateful. In denial, are you? 

[Jingthing]

6 minutes ago, johnnybangkok said:

I see the homophobic train has arrived.
...

It always does ... 

[canthai55]

I am from the West. I expect you are too.

At the ripe age I have attained, I remain baffled by the Western worlds - male and female - eternal search for 'Love'

If you want someone who you can talk to - fine

Take care of you - fine

Make the Beast with Two Backs - thanks Will Shakespeare - fine

This constant searching for your 'Soulmate' - IM not so HO - for 99% of the human race - is a pipe dream

It Ain't NEVER going to happen.

Find someone you can stay with, on balance, and remain friendly, helpful, and compassionate.

If they do not tick all the boxes - find someone else who ticks it

Get some sanity in your life, because at the end of the day, all literature aside - we Live and Die Alone

Before - Now - Forever