Frustrated Farang Husband

[crazykopite]

Having read your article the only opinion I could come to is to suggest you move on as it is only going to get worse and one day it might come to the point where you could flip your lid and regret the consequences and end up joining her brother in prison is the thought of that worth further grief ! NO ! do what your head tells you not your heart, it is clear you have sacrificed a lot to your wife and her family you must now close that door and take care of yourself Good Luck ??

[rumak]

19 hours ago, arcturaz said:

I am hoping to get some constructive feedback from other men who have may have undergone similar

OP........are you following the feedback ??   Maybe the "advice" sounds a bit harsh (to some)......but from what you write on your post about the relationship ( and i hate to call it that),   it seems you are really

keeping yourself in a living hell .     Give us your thoughts on the feedback .  I for one would like to know

WHY ?????

[WonnabeBiker]

Salvage your kids - remove them from this environment!

 

Sorry, you have been an enabler for too long. Now stop it and move on.

[stevkob]

5 minutes ago, rumak said:

 Give us your thoughts on the feedback .  I for one would like to know

WHY ?????

 

Second this!!

All too often these threads are started by an OP then never any post replies

 

[Monomial]

OP,

 

You mention that you don't want to destroy a possibly viable family, but you have not given any indication that it is viable. At best, you have described a codependent relationship. That said, while you have the legal and moral right to leave, you do not have the moral right to estrange your children from their mother. Whatever you decide to do, you have to maintain relations with your ex (and she is your ex already...just admit it).

 

You can not simply pick up and not look back. Do see a lawyer and follow the law. Do make some provisions so that the mother of your children can survive.  Do allow the children to see their mother, but make absolutely sure she can not abduct them. Importantly, do not be so afraid of change that you continue the status quo.  It is over, however unpalatable that fact might be to accept. Your life is going to be different now. Some things easier, some more difficult.

 

Your children will eventually come to understand why you did this as long as you do it for the right reasons. If your ex is truly the person you say, they will probably even thank you for giving them a better home environment after they reach their late teens and start to see her for the person she is.

 

The only thing keeping you in that situation right now is fear. Admit it, and do what needs to be done.

 

[micmichd]

19 hours ago, nikmar said:

Mate, she's cheated on you, and more than once. If this was someone else in your position, what advice would you give them? Think about it and be honest with yourself. Good luck from me as well.

He's been away for 3 years. How can he expect his wife to have no sex? 

I would go back as a butterfly just to demonstrate what it's like to get cheated. She might understand how important it is to be reliable. And then maybe move to another place where people don't talk behind everybody's else's back.

[Gecko123]

My number one concern would be for my personal safety. Even if you left on the most generous of terms (house/land, all yours, honey) the removal of personal property (electronics, appliances/financial support) which the wife could not afford to easily replace could trigger thoughts of off-ing or injuring you. Especially if there are one or more lover boys lurking in the shadows willing to help with logistics. Would make sure local police know what is going on and do everything that you can to project an image that you are part of larger farang community, even if you really aren't.

 

As far as the kids are concerned, while I am a big advocate of paternal responsibility, the truth is that your children's welfare and future is probably being shaped by your wife's character (or lack thereof) and the village and school environment than by your presence. Especially given your long previous absence during their formative/bonding years. Don't shirk child support responsibilities, but focus on getting your life back on track and getting resettled. If opportunity to become involved in your kids life presents itself in the future, by all means take it, but don't forget your life has value too.

[OmarZaid]

I have one word for you: EXIT !

Oh .... three more: "Don't take anything."

[wildewillie89]

3 hours ago, colinneil said:

Why are you trashing Issan women?

I am married to the best Issan woman, no man could wish for a better wife.

Yet i agree with you 100% about families, they are just deadbeat as you say.

Same can be said...why are you trashing Issan families? 

I married into a hard working Issan family who do not smoke, in three years have only seen them drink during New Year, do not beat their partners or ask me for money and since my children have been born always close their gates, will not go out without seat belts/car seats, stopped the silly superstitions based around 'hope' and, most importantly, stopped playing the lottery (to prevent the normalisation of gambling).

As family structure/behaviour is so important when a child is developing, if the Issan woman is 'good', then logic would probably say her siblings, parents and even a fair few blood cousins will be 'good' too. Of course exceptions exist, but most people I would think end up being a product of their environment. 

[ColinChapman]

20 hours ago, arcturaz said:

self-made indigents

Brilliant description of an oft-observed phenomenon. Wish I'd thought of it. 

[smotherb]

1 hour ago, Hummin said:

Well, he is spotless and perfect to. I read the stories here with a cynicle view, but sometimes you find some essens in the stories, combined with what you have experienced and also learned from others. There is no golden rules in Thailand concerning relationships, except, do not invest more than you can afford to loose or walk away from. 

 

I could never walk away from kids in Thailand, and I know how challenging relationships can be with a Thaiwoman, therefor I will never ever lock me to a Thai woman completely. 

 

You can not just walk away from people when shit happens, and many do have emphaty with others, and therefor often, or to often stay longer than they should. It is easy to be a witness and see whats going on, but the person involved, often do not know or see before to late. 

 

 

My issue is not whether he was a good husband or not. Why did he put up with it at all. He must have seen early on that the woman neither worked nor wanted to and had no ambition other than being taken care of. He then had all that reinforced with being cuckolded and the bread-winner for her family.

 

I know some say they don't mind that, great, more power to them. However, I can only express what my feelings would be.

[Aussieroaming]

Its over. Signs and symptoms over extended periods are proof positive of that. Infidelity means that even if she were to want intimacy with you, then you would be putting yourself in line for potential STD's. 

 

It doesnt get any better from the position you are in, so dont expect a sudden nirvana, you will get that once you sign a divorce. 

 

A cheating partner will do it again and again given opportunity.

[Pilotman]

3 hours ago, Boon Mee said:

Gotta feel sorry for the poor guy. 

Not at all, not a bit  he is the author of his own misfortune. He needs to grow a pair and sort it out, if only for the sake of his children. 

[Spidey]

2 hours ago, sammieuk1 said:

This is the point when farangs can have more holes in them then they had before they went to bed avoid tall condos? 

His kids will keep him sane and give him the knowledge that life is worth living for.

 

I would concentrate all my efforts on making a better life for the kids. His reward will naturally follow.

 

Consider moving to a different part of Thailand.

[bkkgriz]

Mate, cut the cord, pull the trigger, rip the band-aid off. Choose whichever metaphor you like, but just get you and your kids out of there. It Will Not Get Better. She has seen how much $hit you will take, a lot apparently, and has you measured. You did your best and now it is time to move on. Good luck. 

[anon4637435435]

she sounds like a pc of sht. leave her. lifes too short. You sound pussy whipped but it sounds like its getting whipped too much. Get out now. Be proud and go. Its not your fault. Your not compatible. If you were she wouldn't cheat. My wife would never dream of it but everyother women ive known would or has. Lifes not ober. keep searching and save the kids.

[sead]

Reset your mind. There's a limit of what we can withstand. You deserve better. It's time to think about you and enjoy yourself. I myself would no touch my wife again after she has been cheating. That is so disrespectful to you after all you done for her. Now it's time for her to find a new sponsor. And for you to start a new life. Partly its your fault because you let it continue and are naive. Leg me tell you, that nothing will change. She made her choices now you have to make yours. Either accept the situation or get out.  Good luck

[smotherb]

1 hour ago, rumak said:

smother B.    found something i agree with you on !   

Expand your horizons, you may find other agreement.

[Wake Up]

2 hours ago, smotherb said:

Sounds like you have been hurt a few times.  Although I have heard such tales, I have never encountered any of that in my relationships. Back to the old mantra; pick and choose your women well, or your life will indeed be hell.

Ah one lucky squirrel who believes he can intelligently choose his nuts. If you think anyone can pick and choose women well you are definitely a squirrel. 

[smotherb]

2 hours ago, billsmart said:

Arcturaz, I got the best advice on how to deal with things like this from the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail. When faced with some great difficulty that is obviously unsolvable like you've described, the simple, but wise, advice was, "Run away! Run away!" And that's exactly what I'd advise you to do.

If he were alone that may be worth doing. However, he has children. So, their preferences need to be considered. Unless, you are suggesting he leave them too.

[smotherb]

Just now, Wake Up said:

Ah one lucky squirrel who believes he can intelligently choose his nuts. If you think anyone can pick and choose women well you are definitely a squirrel. 

Sounds like advice from a loser.

[Hummin]

1 hour ago, smotherb said:

My issue is not whether he was a good husband or not. Why did he put up with it at all. He must have seen early on that the woman neither worked nor wanted to and had no ambition other than being taken care of. He then had all that reinforced with being cuckolded and the bread-winner for her family.

 

I know some say they don't mind that, great, more power to them. However, I can only express what my feelings would be.

I do not dissagree, just saying, there is reasons for someone to stay, rather than leave. I can not give you answers why, since I never stayed or stayl longer in relationships than 2-3 years, max 4, because I can not adopt to my type of women I choose demands. I get tired of bullshit is the easiest explanation. But I see my frinds still hanging on to bad relationships for different reasons. 

 

We all get challenged when the pink and blue colours fade, and you start smelling your gf fart, and their true self coming trough ? 

 

Im not perfect either. 

[MyFriend You]

21 hours ago, lovelomsak said:

I feel for you. Men sometimes are their own worst enemy. It sounds to me like you are in denial. I would say the wife is no good just a problem.But love is blind huh

 If you want to stay together with her here is what i would do.

  Let her know since sex is finished together you want a live in mia noi. The wife will become the housemaid. Clean house do laundry take care of children and such.You will sleep with mia noi.

  Give her a set budget to live on for food etc. And tell her you will take care of yourself if what she cooks is not to your liking. Or you and mia noi will eat separate

  You will do as you please and she will do as she pleases but her budget will drop considerably.

If she does not like that leave her get another from the village to care for the children and you.

  

A recipe for murder in Isaan...................he tries this and his life expectancy is nill next to none.

[xylophone]

21 hours ago, arcturaz said:

The past ten years has been a living hell for me.

Why do men live through that hell knowing that they are wasting 10 years of life that they can never get back? Ten years of lost happiness, lost hopes and dreams, not to mention money.

 

You should have been long gone.

[patrick1968]

a rat always a rat ,,,,,wish you the best 

[ResandePohm]

21 hours ago, lovelomsak said:

I feel for you. Men sometimes are their own worst enemy. It sounds to me like you are in denial. I would say the wife is no good just a problem.But love is blind huh

 If you want to stay together with her here is what i would do.

  Let her know since sex is finished together you want a live in mia noi. The wife will become the housemaid. Clean house do laundry take care of children and such.You will sleep with mia noi.

  Give her a set budget to live on for food etc. And tell her you will take care of yourself if what she cooks is not to your liking. Or you and mia noi will eat separate

  You will do as you please and she will do as she pleases but her budget will drop considerably.

If she does not like that leave her get another from the village to care for the children and you.

  

This is a crass idea here in Thailand. How long do you think the wife would put up with that type of existence. I would suggest that it is a recipe for an early death or a short life expectancy.

[TheFishman1]

After reading your post all I can say is life is short be happy don’t waste anymore time with a cheating wife just go before you go nuts TIT

[DJ54]

Good luck it’s a tough decision. It seems this happens a LOT in NE.

 

Would be nice if the justice system understood this happens frequently 

in NE and handle it accordingly. 

 

Something like....

 

Then whe it comes to divorce the court system puts the screws to the spouse. As long as there’s clear evidence of wrong doing. 

 

If the Spouse lost everything then word would get around that their 

plan.....which I think with some it’s part of a plan isn’t working. The court system figured it out.

 

 

 

[atyclb]

to op;  you can't make this stuff up...... or can you?

[helloagain]

22 hours ago, Denim said:

Short reply.

 

If today is like yesterday , tomorrow will be like today.

 

If you want things to change you will have to do it yourself. Since your situation is unmanageable you will have to change your situation radically and not look back. No point mulling over the past. That's long gone. If you want a better future you are going to have to divorce and pick up the resultant pieces as best you can without beating yourself up over it. Eyes forward not looking back.

 

The alternative will just be more of the same. Some people cannot changed or be saved from themselves therefore move on and let them be what they are.

To put it in my few words "ditch the bitch"