1 hour ago, Zyxel said:

That statement raises so many questions I cannot dare ask on a family Forum (unfortunately!)

1 hour ago, Zyxel said:

Again this being a family forum I cannot make the comments I would like to wrt to pussy's, chickens and sex!!

A soldier runs up a hill and around a corner before slamming into an officer.
“Where do you think you’re going, son?”
“Sorry, Captain! It’s crazy out there and the firefight was so heavy. I got scared and tried to go AWOL.”
“Who you calling Captain? I’m a general!”
“Wow!” exclaimed the soldier. “I didn’t realize I’d run that far back.”

A man stumbled into the emergency room dressed in a medieval bard's outfit, clutching his stomach with one hand and moaning in agony. With his free hand he was clutching a lute, which he dropped on the floor in front of them nurse's station.
He then collapsed in a heap on the floor, rolled himself into a fetal position, and began to moan much louder. Fearing serious food poisoning, doctors quickly brought a stretcher out and rolled him into the bowels of the ER.
Half an hour later, the man walked past the nurse and out the door, whistling happily to himself. Noticing that the man looked much healthier, the nurse asked one of the doctors what was ailing the man.
The doctor shrugged and said "nothing serious....just minstrel cramps."

Have you lost a tree?
Put pictures of it onto cats.

To cut an article out of the Kerrang magazine, you will need rock paper scissors.

My new years resolution is to get a Velcro wall.
And I plan on sticking to it!

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly:
“Captain." One passenger asks. "Who is that man over there?”
“I have no idea." The captain says. "But he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

Statistically, 100% of people attacked by sharks are wet.

I can't believe its been a whole year since I didn't become a much better person.

Ten years today, a friend swore he would give up drinking whilst at work.
He hasn't touched a job since.

One Way or Another, this year I'm going to stop quoting Blondie songs.

My wife caught me trying to stick a tiny blonde wig and a guitar onto a wasp.
"Don't, you'll make him Sting." she said.