4 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I wonder which Branch of the Police Force Log this sort of crime or do they just leave it for others to sweep up!

Police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers - but the chief constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.  Spoil sport!
 

My grandfather has gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans, two cauliflowers and a jar of gherkins. As his family we have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for at least a fortnight.
 

’“You know who really gives kids a bad name? 
Their "Celebrity" parents, especially Posh and Becks."

“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my three younger sisters."
 

TODAY’s DAILY INSULT; 

"He .....................(insert self styled celebrity name of choice!) has penned numerous best-selling books, mostly about the one thing that interests him more than anything else: himself!"

Chat-up Line:-Are you a thief? Cause I want you to steal my virginity tonight!

My new year's resolution is to get back to the gym.

There’s a new machine at my gym. I used it for an hour and felt sick.

It’s really good though, does everything! Kit Kats, Snickers, Milky Ways. The lot.

13 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I once finished 2 marathons in the same afternoon, without even pausing in between.

Then they changed the name to Snickers.