Chat-up Line:-
Would you like to try an Australian kiss?

It is just like a French kiss, but down under!

How are everyone's New Years Resolutions going?
Anybody finished their Easter Eggs yet?

My distance vision is getting worse. The Moon was last night, but I could see only half of it.

People say I'm sarcastic
but I'm just investigating the effects of irony on morons.

Two men are playing golf when one realizes he's left his jacket at the last tee He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.

"What's up?" asks his mate.

"Well, you see those two women at the tee? One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."

His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."

He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."

RyanAir has won the least popular airline award again.
If they win again next year, they will beat the previous record set by the Luftwaffe in 1945.

I never make predictions.
Never have.
Never will.

I've just seen on the news that the thief who is stealing t-shirts in order of size is still at large.

Bigamy.

Like the real me, but taller.

Butterflies are not what they used to be.

I've just bought a Humpty Dumpty from Aldis.
It's great.
It comes with Aldi King's Horses and Aldi King's men.

Be careful of local swimming pools offering water sports.
Some girls are no fun at all, and they do press charges.

Guys, is it Belend, Bell End,or Bell-end?

It's for a headstone, so I need to get it right.

 

 

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri".
"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri doc".

A man ran home form work, pulled his wife into the bedroom, threw her on the bed and pulled the blankets over them.

She was shocked - he hadn't done this for more than 20 years.

Then her husband said, "Look, my new watch glows in the dark."