Teacher: What is the opposite of Valentine?

Student : Quarantine.

Teacher: How?

Student: Because in Valentine, two people sit very close to each other and in Quarantine very far from each other.

“I always say ‘Morning’ instead of ‘Good Morning,’ because if it was a good morning, I would still be in my bed and not talking to people.”

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

8 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

What is the most recent date for the Russian "invasion"? 10th? 14th? 15? 16th of February? Really enjoy these fake news. At least they are funny.

Maybe not new, but there are some I've not seen before :-

 

The Darwin's Are Out.

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

 

Here Is The Glorious Winner:

 

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder.

He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.

This time it worked.

 

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

 

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.

He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.

The chef's claim was approved.

 

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

 

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.

Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.

He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

 

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.

When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

 

6.. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.

The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

 

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.

He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.

The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.

The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

 

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.

The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her.

That's the lady I stole the purse from."

 

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.

When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The frustrated gunman walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

 

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.

A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perpetrator had been punished enough!

 

 

 

 

In today's Independent:
"Americans want to know why British homes have 'tiny' doors".
It's called eating sensibly.

I used to be chief executive of a large non-profit-making organisation, but they let me go.
We weren't supposed to be one.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read any of it.

How God turned a rib into a loudspeaker is still a mystery to me......

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.

I just walked past the bookies in town.
There was a sign on the door saying Open Sunday 11-4
I thought "I'll have a tenner on that", as it's been open every Sunday I can remember.

I fail to understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

As we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, "We should have dinner again."
"No thanks," I replied, "I'm full."

Instead of a swear jar,
I have a negativity jar.
Every time I have pessimistic thoughts I put £1 in.
It’s currently half empty

My doctor asked me what my digestive system was like.
I said "Like everybody else's. I take the biscuit, dunk it in my tea, then eat it."

Took my cat to the vet and explained she was very listless and not moving. The vet put a stethoscope to her chest and said “Say aaah”

I said “she can’t say aaah!” And he said “I wasn’t talking to the cat, I was talking to you. The cat’s dead”