Just got banned from TripAdvisor for posting a negative review of the Albert Hall.
Four hours I walked around it, and still couldn't find Adolf Hitler's missing ball.

I can proove to you that I'm psikick.
Right now you're thinking, "He can't spell."

My friends kept making sexual innuendos about characters from 'The Magic Roundabout'
In the end I said: 'I've had enough of your Dougal Entendres!'

Tips on how to fall asleep on a living room chair:
1. Be old.
2. Sit in the chair.

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!

I'm fed up with buying all this snooker equipment.

There's the table, the balls, a cue...and the rest.

The person who stole my shoes while I was on the bouncy castle, needs to grow up!

A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents:
A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A BBC reporter, Laura Kuenssberg, had watched the whole event.
Laura, addressing the Harley rider says. "Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”
The Harley rider replies. "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
Miss Kuenssberg. "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a BBC journalist, you know and tomorrow's news will run this story. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”
The biker replies. "I'm a British Army veteran, a Conservative and I voted for Brexit.”
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker turns on BBC News to see if it indeed brings news of his actions.
BBC Headline: RIGHT WING UK VETERAN ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

Hard times make strong men.
Easy times produce vegans.

Quasimodo went into a gent's outfitters and asked the manager, "Have you got a suit that will fit me?"

The manager replied, "If I do then someone's getting fired!"