15 minutes ago, Zyxel said:

One of the Cabbage Patch Kids?

In medical news, a man who is regularly beaten up by a gang of Mexicans has been prescribed with anti-anxiety pills.

Doctors say they will deal with Hispanic attacks.

I once made a ceramic sculpture of Muhammed Ali, but it exploded in the kiln....

It was gaseous clay!

I was robbed at the petrol station today. After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police.

They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof!  My money's gone, however.

The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them, "Yes, it was pump number 4’’.

A punter was at the races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ..

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won.

Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic are you, my son?"

"No, I'm Jewish."

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and the last rites".

Levels of sheep-worrying in the UK are at an all-time high.
They really shouldn't read the Daily Mail.

After years of teasing my girlfriend about her anorexia, today she finally snapped.

Remember back in the day, when your TV wouldn't work, you'd bang it hard a few times?
I tried that with my dishwasher.

Now she's ******* pregnant!

Walking around Big C earlier some idiot threw a lump of vintage cheddar at me.

I thought, 'that's mature'.

Paddy gets arrested for beating his wife.

The judge asks "why do you keep beating her?"

Paddy replies "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork".