Doing some family research, my Great Great Grandfather was on the Titanic.
I suppose he still is.

A lovely woman from the Countryside died. She found herself outside a beautiful garden with splashing fountains and bright flowers; but she was alone and the gate was locked. When St. Peter finally came by, the woman said to him, "This is surely a wonderful place It must be heaven. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," said the saint.

"What word might that be?"

"Love." said he. Well , she spelled it all right and was admitted through the Gates of Heaven.
About a year later, St. Peter asked this woman if she would mind guarding the Gates a short while for him. While she was waiting, her husband arrived.

"How've you been?" she asked.

"Oh, not bad," he said. "I married the pretty nurse who took care of you, and then I won the lottery. I sold our little cottage and bought a lovely mansion. My wife and I traveled 'round the world. Today I was skiing and broke my neck and...and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word."
"What word?"
"Czechoslovakia"

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I went around to my Grandads to take the dog out for a walk.
As I was about to go out he shouted "Don`t forget poo bags"
"Do I have to" I shouted back.
"Yes" shouted Grandad.
"Alright" I said -- "Come on Nana"

Also Gary Delaney

Jamie's pet lizard LOVED riding everywhere with him.

Find ants in your garden? Burn them out with a squirt of bottled gas, easy and fast.

53 minutes ago, overherebc said:

Find ants in your garden? Burn them out with a squirt of bottled gas, easy and fast.

It saves cutting the grass too.

You know you're old when...