When I went for my last checkup, I discovered the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
She said "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate take a deep breath and say "99".
I did as told and said "99".
"Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say "99".
Again, I said "99".

“Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your genitals to keep them out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say "99".
One....

Two...

Three...

From my window I can see a skip full of Mick Jagger's old stage clothing.
It's literally a Stone's throwaway.

I'm thinking of booking a week on the Greek Island of Domestos.

It's supposed to have a great bleach.

I told my wife that when I die then I want it to be when I'm having sex.

She said, "at least it'll be quick then".

I bought a 'Sounds Of The Rainforest' CD, but It's not relaxing at all.
It starts off with birds chirping, and then it's all chainsaws and bulldozers.

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE

ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS
WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT

AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.

WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

.

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T

KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE

FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL

YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON

THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife

And Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to

Run Down Jaywalkers

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian

Takes Over

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Miners Refuse to Work after Death

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

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War Dims Hope for Peace

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,

It May Last Awhile

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;

Police Suspect Homicide

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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New Study of Obesity Looks for

Larger Test Group

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

********************************************************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

**********************************************************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

***********************************************************************************************

And the winner is...

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

I got into a taxi this morning and the driver said:
'Do you mind if I put some music on?'
I said: 'No, not at all'..
He said: 'Kiss?'
I said: 'Let's start with the music and see how we feel.'

My car broke down today, a car pulled up in front of me, a man got out and asked if he could help.

I said are you a mechanic?

He said no I am a podiatrist.

I said what good are you then?

He said I can give you a toe

My wife bought me a 'Good Luck' bracelet with my initials on it before I went into hospital for some surgery.
I think there must have been a misprint at the manufacturers,
because my initials are 'RND' and this one said 'DNR'.

I recently went with my wife to her final consultation before having a gastric band fitted. The consultant said that in order to finalise a date for the surgery he would have to liaise with Mr Yeti who he always operated with. I asked him why the operation required 2 surgeons and he said that he himself always did the incision and the fitting of the band but the closure was always performed by Mr Yeti - because he was the abdominal sewman.

A lady says to her doctor "My husband has a bad habit of talking in his sleep, what should I do?"
The doctor replies "Give him a chance to speak when he's awake."
 

I was filling out a gym membership and dropped the pen.
"Can I have another one please?" I asked the receptionist.
"Can’t you just pick that one up?" she sniffed.
"Why do you think I'm here?"

"What's up?" I asked my wife.
"You’re not supposed to say you have a favourite child," she hissed at me.
"Everyone does, secretly," I defended myself.
"Well, at least make it one of ours."

My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Did you hear about the blonde who bought an AM radio?
It was two months before she realised she could also use it in the afternoon.