No further explanation is needed.

19 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

 

Definitely the right thread. Had to read it several times before I got the joke, but laughed out loud when I did.

The ex local Mayor decided to do something useful for the community now he was retired so went along to the sperm bank to make a donation. "Have you been before?" asked the receptionist. 
"I have indeed," replied the Mayor. "You've probably got some notes about me from last time." 

The girl went off and when she returned-
"Oh yes," replied the girl. "You're going to need some help so I'll put you in our category D area." 
"Wait a minute, what do you mean, category D! I don't need any help, I come here regularly!" 

"I'm sorry, Sir, but it says in your notes that you're a clueless w*nk*r." "It also says you recently lost your last deposit"
 

Having been three months up in the mountains searching for gold, the old miner suddenly struck it rich and went down into town to celebrate. He spent some time in the saloon before heading back up the main street to the local whorehouse, carrying two bottles of beer under his arm. 

"I'm looking for the meanest, toughest and downright roughest whore in town" he said to the Madam. 
"You'll be wanting old Lil, then," she replied. "First on the right at the top of the stairs." 
So upstairs he went and banged on the door. 
"Are you the meanest, toughest and downright roughest whore in town?" he yelled as he opened the door. 
"I sure am," she said, grinning, and with that she stripped off, bent over and grabbed her ankles. 
"Heh! How do you know that's my favourite position?" he asked. 
"I don't," she replied,

"but I thought you might like to open those two beers first." 
 

Jack was sitting at the bar looking dejectedly into his pint of beer. 
"Heh, Jack, what's up?" asked the barman. 
"Everything," he replied. "I got so drunk last night, I can't remember what I did, but when I woke up it was to find myself in bed with a woman, I naturally gave her £50 note." 
The barman laughed. "Don't worry, mate, it happens to all of us. You'll just have to accept that you spent the money and can't remember what it was like." 
"No, no, you've got me wrong," replied Jack, "the fact is that the woman in bed with me was my wife and she automatically gave me £10 change and said I hope to see you again soon." 
 

 

 

 

I'd rather not brag about it, but.....

 

 

...Clicking on the photo might help explain things better......

...Hope I don't "wear out" these t-shirt puns...

1 hour ago, Seth1a2a said:

.Hope I don't "wear out" these t-shirt puns...

Is that because you have a vested interest?

2 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Is that because you have a vested interest?

Yes, but only when I'm in the U.S.    People there get upset about the strangest things.     Puns included.

Ain’t that the truth !!

Ain’t that the truth !!

1 hour ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Ain’t that the truth !!

I can't 'trump' that, even with my Johnson!

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said “Can u describe the symptoms?”
I said “Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”

 

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

 

A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting “The end of the world is nigh!!”
I think it was Farmer Geddon.