Dictionary

Litter of kittens

A series of small turds that nobody wants

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local bar.

 
The  place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a  while, the lights would go out. Each time this happened, the place would  erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “Okay, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the bar.

After  a few minutes, as the lights went out again and the nun came back out,  the whole place stopped to give the nun a loud, enthusiastic round of  applause.

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender.

 

“Would you like a drink?”
“No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.”

My wife suggested I drop my trousers at the dry cleaners, so I did.

It got a round of applause, but I'm banned from going back.

Today I made some burgers from scratch.

My wife refuses to eat any of them, she loved that cat.

I told my mate the doctor that I'm having problems in the bedroom - He prescribed me Viagra.
How the hell's that going to help me assemble my new IKEA wardrobe?

My wife says I'm annoying by always wanting to have the 2nd to last word.

Be careful of fake salesmen currently doing the rounds.  Just yesterday, one came to my door offering bargain priced enemas.

He took my bank details and then cleaned me out.

I've just received my bank statement and I noticed that I've had payments go out for a water pistol, a pair of size 20 shoes, a trumpet and a red nose. 

I phoned the bank and apparently my card's been clowned.

My mate’s wife has just left him because of his impotence.
Still, no hard feelings eh!?