Here’s one for the intellectuals !!



I’ll pm you the answer Scotty !! [emoji33]

An American, a Frenchman and an Englishman got talking in a bar in Bangkok. The conversation turned to sex.

 

The American says, "The night before I left for this trip, I made love to my wife 3 times. The next morning she woke me up with a passionate kiss and told me last night was amazing and she was the happiest woman in the America."

The Frenchman says, "Hah! The night before I left I made love to my wife 7 times and the next morning she woke me up, put her arms around me, and told me she could never love another man."

Then the American and Frenchman turn to the Englishman.

 

He shrugs, "Before I left, I made love to my wife once. "

His friends start laughing. "Once? Just once? What did your wife say to you the next morning?"

"Don't stop."

Once upon a time there were 3 bears ...

 

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water".

"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-ar**s downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once...


"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F****NG PORRIDGE YET"

13 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

I’ll pm you the answer Scotty !!

I'll just lie back and enjoy it all.  Eneuf said!

I worry I might have upset one of the Gaelic members on here with my last post.

Sooo, here’s some that should make it all reet agin !!

SCOTTISH HALLOWEEN

5 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

I worry I might have upset one of the Gaelic members on here with my last post.

What!

Just your last post?

????

 

 

A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, "No change yet."

A young boy runs into the house and excitedly shows his mother a fifty-dollar bill he found in the park. "Are you sure it was lost?" the mother asks.
"I'm positive," the boy replies. "I even saw the guy looking for it."
 

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked,

"Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a virgin?"

To which the doctor handily responded,

"To avoid criticism and comparison."

A family takes a trip to Disney World. After seven exhausting days, they head home. As they drive away, the son waves out the window and says, "Goodbye, Mickey." The daughter waves and says, "Goodbye, Minnie." Dad waves and cries, "Goodbye, money."

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

Susie said “We live on a farm and I was collecting eggs from the hen house one day. I gathered the eggs and put them in my basket and set off running toward the house. While running I tripped over a rock and smashed all of the eggs.”
“So what’s the moral of the story Susie?” Asked the teacher.
“Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket,” said Susie.

Next it was Billy’s turn to go.
“We also live on a farm,” said Billy. “We have incubators to help our eggs hatch. One night there was a thunderstorm and lightning knocked out the power to the incubators.”
“So what’s the moral of that story Billy?” Asked the teacher.
“Don’t count your chickens before they hatch,” said Billy.

The teacher turned to Janie. “Janie, do you have a story to share?’
“Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
“Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

“He said don’t mess with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”
 

I rang the council to ask if I could have a skip outside my house,

They said "You can cartwheel down the street for all we care"

 

My best mate was a hairdresser. He passed away recently, but at least he died doing what he loved..

Dying.

 

I've just bought a border collie.

The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
 

 

17 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

^{Today's Special :   50% OFF ON SELECTED CALZONE PIZZAS}

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine.

The wife says, "I love you."
The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."