People these days don't know the meaning of hospitality. I went to a friend's house and they said "make yourself at home".

Then they got mad at me for peeing in the kitchen sink.

A fisherman man was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of live fish in the water. He was leaving a river well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim around for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the man.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon and tied up the female occupant before confronting the man with a knife and demanding all of the valuables.
“Please” pleaded the man, “ you can have it all ! Jewellery, cash, my keys. PLEASE just untie her, let her go”
The thief said “wow ! You really love your wife ! ”
“ That’s my neighbours wife” sobbed the man. “ Mine will be here any minute “

How to Solve
the Problem of Crowded Jails in the UK -
An Idea from Mr Grumpy

Let us put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

 

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
treatment, wheel chairs et and they'd receive money instead of paying it
out.  They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be
helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed
and returned to them.  A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and
bring their meals and snacks to their cell.  They would have family
visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling,
pool and education.  Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, pyjamas and
legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an
exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily 'phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would
have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

.....  And the criminals?

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.  Live in a tiny room and
pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Kindly sent in by Maggie Nutt.

A typical day in the life of a grumpy old man.

 

I decide to water my garden.

 

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

 

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

 

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

 

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

 

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.

 

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

 

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered. I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

 

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

 

I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.

 

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

 

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

 

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

 

At the end of the day:

• The car isn't washed.
• The bills aren't paid.
• There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface.
• The flowers don't have enough water.
• There is still only one cheque in my chequebook.
• I can't find the TV remote.
• I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because
I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

PS. I just remembered, I left the f'ing water running......................................
 

 

A definition of retirement:

You get up in the morning with nothing to do, and go to bed at night having only done half of it.

Three old schoolfriends were celebrating their 70th birthdays together and talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

 

'I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business', declared the first man.

 

'Fifty years from now, 'said the second, 'I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'.

 

Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, 'So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?'

 

'Me?' the third man replied. 'I want them all to say, 'He still looks good for his age!'

I'm not really a grumpy old man, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, barking dogs, politicians, and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.