A woman woke from a dream at 3 am and hollered "Quick - my husband just came home!"

Her husband woke up and immediately jumped out of the window.

My Australian friend had been living overseas for so long that he couldn't remember how to throw a boomerang.

Eventually it came back to him.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my U-turn.  

 

 

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented .......

 

I forgot where I was going with this.  

Did you see the news of the guy who fell into an upholstery machine?

 

You'll be glad to know that he's fully recovered.

Why is a bottle in front of me is good, but a frontal lobotomy is not? 

A big shot attorney had to spend a week in hospital.  He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff, and the head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

On the third day she came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."