6 hours ago, ballpoint said:

An Elderly newly married couple are getting ready for their first time in bed together.
She says " I must warn you, I have acute angina".
He replies " I hope so, because your t*ts are rubbish".

I actually pulled that one a couple of years ago. I'd had a cardiac "event" and the specialist nurse was explaining the findings of the tests to me. Having told me that what I had was angina I asked "Is it acute angina?" "No", she replied. "So just quite good-looking, then?" said I. 

It took her a few seconds before she got it, telling me that my daft sense of humour would probably be of great help in my recovery. 

I guess she was right ????

"I carry two cooked sausages in a poo bag when I take the dog out. When the dog takes a <deleted> I pretend to pick it up but never do. Never have. Anyone says anything and I point to the bag pretending it's poo. After walkies me and the dog have a sausage each. We often get funny looks"

2 hours ago, Thailand said:

"I carry two cooked sausages in a poo bag when I take the dog out. When the dog takes a <deleted> I pretend to pick it up but never do.

Then with slight of hand I take out and eat one of the sausages!

I just sold a lawnmower on Facebook marketplace.
That's the last time my neighbour will wake me up early on a Saturday morning.

2 minutes ago, Crossy said:

Or a photocopier - most unreliable machine known to mankind!

34 minutes ago, doctormann said:

Or a photocopier - most unreliable machine known to mankind!

Gotta thumb them there pages.