Mike Tysons Tesla

2 hours ago, ravip said:

Learnt to drive in me dad's!

A rather posh chap meets a young lady in a bar and takes her out for the evening. They are sitting in a restaurant a little later when the woman leans over and says " Rupert, I am afraid I have a confession to make, you see I'm really an escort girl".

Rupert thinks for a while and says

"oh that's perfectly alright though I'm more of a Ferrari man myself"

18 minutes ago, Zyxel said:

If it's a choice between a WWII German soldier and a dog as my grandfather, I'll take the dog thanks.

 

 

 

Went to the hardware store and asked an assistant if they had any Jubilee clips ?"
He said "no, but we have some footage of the funeral"

As kids we used to throw Scrabble tiles at each other,

until our Mum shouted " stop it before someone loses an i "

Four old guys are walking down a street in London.
They turn a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timer's Bar - ALL DRINKS 10p.
They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a pint of bitter. In no time the bartender serves up four frothing pints of bitter, and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. Not believing their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their Pints, and order another round.
Again, four excellent pints are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please."
They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them.  They've each had two pints and haven't even spent a £1 yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve a pint of Bitter as good as this for a 10p a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. Wine, liquor, beer. It's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their pints of beer, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at them, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with those guys?"
"They're retired people from Yorkshire", says the barman. "They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price"

I'm feeling a bit gutted today.  I honestly thought my entry would win the giant butterfly competition.
I told everyone I would win... Me and my big moth!

I took up playing Scrabble with my wife.

I don't really like the game, but it's the only chance I have to get a word in.

Sadly, my pet duck died, and I told the vet to organise the cremation.

When I said send me the bill that was not what I expected.

 

 

 

In the town I live, everyone wears a jumper two sizes too small.
Its a tight knit community.

Who’s in favour of bringing back Roman numerals?
I for one!

Richard Gere was on the most recent series of Who Do You Think You Are.
They went back to his Great Great Grandfather who was the worlds first ventriloquist - his first name was Gottler, apparently.

37 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

f it's a choice between a WWII German soldier and a dog as my grandfather, I'll take the dog thanks.

Now I know why I always think your a are "barking mad" with a dog as a grandparent!

29 minutes ago, DezLez said:

Now I know why I always think your a are "barking mad" with a dog as a grandparent!

Well, luckily I don't have to choose. My grandfathers were both on the right side in WWII.

(Right, as in correct, not right as in fascist).