21 hours ago, roo860 said:

Darling I'm home

 

New Japanese Flag.

17 minutes ago, roo860 said:

 

The wonderful late Windsor Davies

11 hours ago, ballpoint said:

England are 8/1 to win the World Cup....
If you're not a gambler that means if you put £10 on, you are going to lose a tenner.

Excuse me but I'm not a gambler so thanks for the tip!

But when you "put £10 on", what or where do I put that £10 "to lose a tenner" onto, and what do I not put it onto if I do not want to lose it?"

????

I said to my wife: 'When I die I'd like to die having sex.'

She replied: 'At least it'll be quick.'

I've decided I want a pet termite.

I'm going to call him Clint. Clint Eatswood.

So many people these days are too judgemental.

I can tell just by looking at them!

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

 

10-tickles.

I figured out why Teslas are so expensive.

 

It's because they charge a lot.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed? Everybody.

My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.

Well, toucan play at that game.

2 hours ago, DezLez said:

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

 

10-tickles.

How did you do that research?  Did you go round giving octopi test tickles?  That takes a lot of balls.

12 hours ago, DezLez said:

Excuse me but I'm not a gambler so thanks for the tip!

But when you "put £10 on", what or where do I put that £10 "to lose a tenner" onto, and what do I not put it onto if I do not want to lose it?"

????

You put your money on the counter of a 'bookmaker', or 'bookie', on the assumption that England will win the world cup.

Said bookmaker takes your money, on the assumption that you are an idiot.

 

 

 

My wife is the double of Kate Moss;"
"Really?"
"Yes. Kate Moss weighs 9 stone".

Breaking News!

Man with a stammer jailed.

Judge rules he's unlikely to complete his sentence.

Paddy the electrician has been sacked by the US prison service for refusing to repair the electric chair.
He said that in his opinion it was a death trap.

I shouted: “Push harder” when my wife was in labour.
“I hate you” she screamed,
I thought that was a bit harsh, It wasn’t my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.

I used to hate it when my mum would dress me and my twin brother in the same clothes.
We could hardly walk!