.

.

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow.

 

The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.

 

About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try.

 

The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

 

"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

 

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

 

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

 

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!

 

Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

 

Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

 

They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

 

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

 

The wife stared at him.

"What in the world is wrong with you?! You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

 

The husband calmly replied,

"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

A boat full of Englishmen saw the Irishman getting attacked, so they immediately sailed over to him and lifted him onboard while the shark still had its teeth sunk into him.

 

Then the Englishmen started punching, kicking, and stabbing the shark until it finally released its grip on the Irishman and lay motionless on the deck. The Englishmen then started looking at the Irishman's wounds.

 

Meanwhile, a priest was standing nearby on a jetty and saw everything that happened. He said to the Englishmen, “Wow, I'm very impressed with what I just saw! You just rescued this Irishman from a shark! Even though you're all Englishmen and this Irishman is your bitter enemy, you put aside that hostility to help your fellow man! God bless you!”

 

Then the priest walked away. One Englishman said the others, “What did he mean by that?"

 

Another Englishman said, “I have no idea. But that's a nice big trophy shark we just reeled in. Our best catch of the day! Is the bait still good or do we need another one?”

 “We’re going to need a bigger shark!”

.

I was laying in bed with my wife and she said,
"If you could know how and when you were gonna die would you wanna know?"
I said, "No".
She said, "OK forget it then!"

Just asked the woman in the book store if Prince Harry’s book is available to download.
She said ‘do you want the PDF file?’
I said no, that’s his uncle.

"I can't solve this crossword clue. It says 'Postman with heavy sack'"
"How many letters?"
"Bliddy hundreds"

My local chiropractor is selling his collection of trade magazines.

He says he's got loads of back issues.

Scientists have grown human vocal chords from stem cells in a lab.
They say the results will speak for themselves

I just found out that there's a library right around the corner from my house...

They kept that quiet!

I've been ironing all my old rock band Tee shirts.

Just got a couple of kinks left.

On 12/9/2018 at 12:40 AM, chickenslegs said:

On getting older ...

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” Claude Pepper

 

He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. George Burns

 

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. Rita Rudner

 

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie

 

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do. Phyllis Diller

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. Rita Rudner

 

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield

 

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age — as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller

 

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. George Burns

2023

 

These Jewish people are long dead

Racist post removed

An inappropriate, insensitive attempt at humour meme removed. The tragic case of Madeleine Beth McCann is not a subject for laughter.

A guy goes into a restaurant, walks up to the bar and tells the bartender, “Give me a beer”. The guy goes to pay him but the bartender says, “It’s free”. “Great”, says the guy. “I’d also like to order your filet mignon dinner and a whole cheesecake for dessert”. ‘You got it “says the bartender (who’s also doubling as the waiter). After eating everything the man asks, “how much do I owe you”? The bartender says “one dollar”. ‘Wait a minute. How come everything is so cheap? I’d like to speak to your manager”, says the man. The bartender answers, “You can’t, because right now he’s upstairs with my wife”. “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” asks the man.. The bartender replies, ”The same thing I’m doing to his business”.

One by one, all of my best mates have started to become interested in men as well as women.
I'm just sitting here, watching the world go bi.

I just saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit.

I thought "that's a little racist".

Came home to find my Mrs missing and a note saying
'We have your wife, if you want to see her again we want £10,000...do not contact the police, we are very determined, await a phone call'.
They weren't joking about being determined....
I've had 28 missed calls from them now...