11 hours ago, Zyxel said:

52 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

What do you expect when you take your car to a garage for a tune up?

You are bound to get a score or two!

A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,

"I'm too old for this nonsense !"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying,

" Have a good day, Sir "...

Middle of the night, wife wakes up husband and whispers: There's a burglar downstairs! He broke into kitchen and is eating the cake I just baked yesterday...

Husband: OKkkk, who should I call to come then? Police or ambulance?

.

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting, and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy the teacher called on was little Johnny, he walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

‘It’s a period,’ he replied.

I can see that,’ said the teacher, ‘but what is so exciting about a period?’

‘Darned if I know,’ chirped little Johnny, ‘but this morning my sister was missing one, my mother fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy!

An Alabama man went to see a psychiatrist because of his drinking problem. He sat down on the couch in his office, and the psychiatrist asked him, “So, can you tell me the reason why you're drinking so much?”

The patient took a deep breath and said, “Sure, I know exactly why I'm drinking a lot, and I'll tell you right now. It all started when I got married, and I guess I should never have done it. I met and married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.”

The man went on, “One day, my dad came to visit us. He promptly fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter and eventually married her so now my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, me and my wife had a son who was, of course, my dad's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my dad's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my dad, she was also my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.

It gets better: I am now my wife's grandson. Since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.”

The psychiatrist looked horrified, took a deep breath and said,

“Now I understand why you drink. By all means, keep drinking and give me one!”

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?" "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."