A doctor in an old people’s home is discussing an elderly resident with one of the orderlies.

“I’m worried about Mr. Jones,” says the doctor.

“He claims that when he goes to the bathroom God switches on the light for him, then switches it off again when he’s finished. Do you think he’s going senile?”

 

“Nah,” says the orderly. “He’s just been peeing in the fridge again.”

“Everything that goes up must come down.

But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.”

George Burns

There’s a terrible accident at a railway crossing when a train smashes into a car.

 

No one is killed, but the car’s driver takes the train company to court.

At the trial, the railway engineer insists that he’d given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute.

The court believes his story and the suit is dismissed.

“Congratulations,” says the defense lawyer to the engineer. “You did superbly under cross-examination.”

“Thanks,” replies the engineer. “But the prosecuting attorney sure had me worried.” “How’s that?” asks the lawyer.

 

The engineer replies, “At one point I was afraid he was going to ask if that damned lantern was lit!”

A young man professed a desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

 

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Do you want to hear the joke about the bed in the university dormitory?

Well you can’t, it hasn’t been made yet.

A man buys a parakeet, but is disappointed when it doesn’t speak.

He goes back to the pet shop, where the owner suggests getting the parakeet a mirror to play with.

This doesn’t make the parakeet any more talkative, so the pet shop owner next suggests buying it a cuttlefish bone. The bone has no effect either, so the owner suggests the man buys the parakeet a bell and a ladder.

Finally, the man returns to the pet shop and announces he’s had success.

“The parakeet looked in the mirror,” says the man. “It pecked at the cuttlefish, climbed the ladder, rang the bell, then said a few words, and fell dead off its perch.” “Oh dear,” said the pet shop owner, “What did it say?” The man replies,

 

“It said, ‘Hasn’t that shop got any damn bird seed?’”

A German jumps into a river to save a dog from drowning.

“Are you a vet?” asks a passerby.

“A-vet!” says the German.

“I’m bloody zoaking!”

A Chihuahua, a German shepherd, and a bulldog are sitting in a park when an attractive collie comes along.

The collie tells them that the one who constructs the best sentence using the words “liver” and “cheese” can take her out.

“I love liver and cheese,” says the German shepherd. The collie is not impressed.

“I hate liver and cheese,” says the bulldog. The collie doesn’t think this is very good either.

Finally, the Chihuahua says,

 

“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

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Note for Europeans: A dozen is 12.

 

Alan: "Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?"

 

Dad: "Because your mother loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter."

 

Alan: ...