A ninety year old man did his regular visit to the doctor. The doctor asked if everything was fine. The old man said “Yes, never better! Six months ago I married a beautiful 23 year old girl. Now she is pregnant!”

The doctor was silent for a short while, then he offered the man a story:

“There was a man who had hunted for all his life. This time he was walking through the woods with just his umbrella by his side. Suddenly a bear came rushing against him. Instinctively he raised his umbrella and aimed at the bear. Bang! The bear fell dead to the ground.”

The old man said “That's obvious! Someone else shot that bear.”

The doctor said “Exactly!”

Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have

change for a dollar. He saw Private Duncan mopping the base's

corridor floors, and asked him,

"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Private Duncan replied, "Sure."

The Corporal turned red. He said, "That's no way to address a

superior officer! Now let's try it again. Private, do you have

change for a dollar?"

Private Duncan replied, "No, SIR!"

There once was a suicidal dolphin. He was depressed because he had no porpoise in life.

What model is that fridge??

The Eurythmics announce a reunion tour in 2024...

 

Loving Wimbledon. ❤️ 

The bloke next door asked me if I wanted to try a wife swap.

"I'm not sure" I said - "will I get her back ?"
"Course !" he laughed
"No then"

I have written a book called First-Rate Basement makeovers.

It has just made the best cellars list.

My dear old dad used to say: "The first rule of theatre, son, is to always leave them wanting more."

Lovely bloke but a terrible anaesthetist.