On 10/12/2023 at 7:47 AM, ballpoint said:

You missed the ones of Nessie

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Another that isn't a joke, but is interesting, and funny peculiar, never the less:

 

The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the waters of the mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver to Australia. The navigator had just finished working out a star fix and brought Captain John DS. Phillips, the result. The Warrimoo's position was LAT 0º 31' N and LONG 179 30' W. The date was 31 December 1899. "Know what this means?" First Mate Payton broke in, "We're only a few miles from the intersection of the Equator and the International Date Line". Captain Phillips was prankish enough to take full advantage of the opportunity for achieving the navigational freak of a lifetime.
He called his navigators to the bridge to check & double check the ship's position. He changed course slightly so as to bear directly on his mark. Then he adjusted the engine speed.
The calm weather & clear night worked in his favor. At mid-night the SS Warrimoo lay on the Equator at exactly the point where it crossed the International Date Line! The consequences of this bizarre position were many:
The forward part (bow) of the ship was in the Southern Hemisphere & in the middle of summer.
The rear (stern) was in the Northern Hemisphere & in the middle of winter.
The date in the aft part of the ship was 31 December 1899.
In the bow (forward) part it was 1 January 1900.
This ship was therefore not only in:
Two different days,
Two different months,
Two different years,
Two different seasons
But in two different centuries - all at the same time!

 

To quote a brilliant actor

 

"Not a lot of people know that".

 

born Maurice Joseph Micklewhite

I see that Scotland have named a place after a famous Brazilian F1 driver.

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"

"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"

"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.

The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"

"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.

"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"

With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.

"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"

"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a w-nker!!..

The difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

 

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: 
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

 

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

 

Archaeologist: Someone whose career lies in ruins.

 

There are two kinds of people who don't say much:
Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

 

They say that alcohol kills slowly.
So what? Who's in a hurry?

 

Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive

 

One nice thing about egoists:
They don't talk about other people.

 

 Brilliant Puns: 

1. A man who wants a pretty nurse, must be patient.

 

2. A man who leaps off a cliff, jumps to a conclusion. 

 

3. A man running in front of a car, gets tyred; 
And a man running behind a car, gets exhausted. 

 

4. War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.

 

5. A man who drives like hell, is bound to get there.
 
6. A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger wood!

 

7. Toilets are a great place to think.No wonder they are called "Sochalayas"

 

 

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