22 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Dicks answer was correct > "D, definitely D!"

Three englishmen, shaemus, paddy and mick ( pc correct ) were talking about what they thought the 'cleverest' invention was.

Shaemus says   the pocket calculators coz it always gives you the right answer.

Paddy says  the computer coz it can can give you the right answer and solve any problems you ask it.

Mick says  the vacuum flask.

Shaemus and Paddy ask him  what's so clever or smart about that?

Mick says  it keeps tea hot and ice cold.

So?? they reply.

Mick says  how does it know??

Meanwhile, some good medical advice is always welcome !!

 

6 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Meanwhile, some good medical advice is always welcome !!

 

Guy takes his dog to the vet. Vet is examining the dog and says I'm going to have to put him down.

Guy says is it that serious?

Vet says no, he's heavy.

14 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Meanwhile, some good medical advice is always welcome !!

 

 

Hahaha, an old Tommy Cooper joke.

He is still the ultimately Always Funny guy (I regularly re-watch his 'magic' shows).

His mere presence on stage - even without doing or saying anything - is sufficient to get everybody laughing.

 

52 minutes ago, Peter Denis said:

 

Hahaha, an old Tommy Cooper joke.

He is still the ultimately Always Funny guy (I regularly re-watch his 'magic' shows).

His mere presence on stage - even without doing or saying anything - is sufficient to get everybody laughing.

 

Guy I worked with told a story he swears is true.

He had a friend who was a taxi driver and his last fare of the day was Tommy Cooper. When they reached the destination Tommy stuck an envelope into his shirt pocket and said you and the missus have a drink on me tonight.

Guy got home, told his wife the story and gave her the envelope. She opened it and found two teabags. ????

4 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Meanwhile, some good medical advice is always welcome !!

 

Man reads that 90% of accidents happen within 5 miles of the home - decides that it would be wise to move house.

For a laugh during the lockdown, my wife thought it would be fun for each of us to come up with a fantasy list of three people that, in the unlikely event we ever got the chance, we were allowed to sh4g.  She showed me her's first: George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp.  Then I showed her mine: Her sister, the neighbour's daughter and that fit bird at the Big C check out.  The doctors say I should be able to walk again in a month or two.

 

 

 

I hung out with a tough bunch at school.  We were always sneaking out whenever we got the chance.  I can't even begin to count how many times we skipped maths class.

“ I told you we should have kept the Mini “

 

When your gran knitted you a birthday present and you haven’t the heart to disappoint her !!

 

Hey , worth a try i say !!

 

5 stars is 5 stars right !!

 

Mmmm prawn curry !!

 

2 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Mmmm prawn curry !!

 

Whoever had the idea to alter that sign must be a cunninglinguist.

Because lockdown is easing I decided to go to the local swimming pool for a swim and a couple of beers.

I ended up getting banned for having a pee in the water.

The security guy shouted so loudly he gave me a real fright and I almost fell in.