In the trenches of WWI, a Scottish battalion is about to attack.  The battalion piper leaps out of the trench, accompanied by four soldiers, and marches bravely toward the enemy lines, playing loudly.  There's a burst of machine gun fire and one of the soldiers falls.

The piper continues towards the enemy, still playing.  Another burst of machine gun fire and a second soldier falls.

The piper continues to advance, still playing.  Another burst of machine gun fire and a third soldier falls.

The last soldier shouts at the piper, "For **** sake, can you no' play something they like?"

One of my fondest memories of my dad was when I was young and struggling with a reading assignment because I didn't understand the word "abundance." He stopped what he was doing and explained it to me.

It meant a lot.

Three new corpses are delivered to the morgue one day, each with a smile on their face. 

The mortician examines each of them and says who they are and their cause of death. "First body, Frenchman, aged 60, died making love to his mistress, hence the smile on his face.

Second body, Irishman, aged 30, won a thousand euros in the lottery, spent it all on whiskey, and died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile on his face."

The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"

The mortician says, "Ah, this is perhaps the most interesting of all. This is Jamsie , aged 25, he was struck by lightning". "Why's he smiling, then?"

"He thought he was getting his picture taken

A friend of mine called saying he was in trouble. He said that "someone was threatening to release photos of him with a prostitute unless he paid them £5000" 

"Blackmail?" I asked.

"No", he replied, "it was a white woman".

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra £100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.

About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut up right f'kin now or you're going to get us both fired."

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

I love jokes based on popular culture. This one is quite clever, and it is one of the newer ones; it can't be much more than 40 years old 😁

Middlesbrough, where shopping centres permit guide dogs to smoke.

 

On 10/24/2025 at 11:17 AM, Crossy said:

Dave and Pete were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Darwin, Australia .

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

 

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Pete says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

 

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

 

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Pete.

 

Pete says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

Pete says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

 

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON’T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand '

Hijacking your joke @Crossy but the extreme reaction reminded me somehow of this.....

 

 

1 hour ago, Crossy said:

Middlesbrough, where shopping centres permit guide dogs to smoke.

 

https://scontent.fbkk7-3.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/571176501_676718295504869_5240105735618948428_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=127cfc&_nc_ohc=ZGJ4R2d7Y1sQ7kNvwH6f2Q9&_nc_oc=AdmZNHrE-PgX_jBe2mSOygAVy9SuQyN9lnREpiixBzoObFT8y98YYMtN8FUPFen-s3o&_nc_zt=23&_nc_ht=scontent.fbkk7-3.fna&_nc_gid=S7yfht7Ds-2qa6gM0kbeKw&oh=00_AfdhDqdLryUcLa8RFdtEPzCOVzzbJ_nL3IfS1gXBeznbUA&oe=690286B0

When the dog screws up, the smell of the cigarette helps the blind person know which end to kick.

7 hours ago, farang51 said:

I love jokes based on popular culture. This one is quite clever, and it is one of the newer ones; it can't be much more than 40 years old 😁

Good job I didn't post the "my whey" one then.

9 hours ago, ballpoint said:

One of my first jobs was working in the steel mill at Newcastle Australia.

Pretty rough and the toilets had no doors, so you sat looking across at each other.

 

3 hours ago, carlyai said:

One of my first jobs was working in the steel mill at Newcastle Australia.

Pretty rough and the toilets had no doors, so you sat looking across at each other.

 

In the mid-1970s I worked for a large US airline and in their corporate headquarters they removed all bathroom stall doors to increase productivity.  They felt people would linger less/spend less time in the bathrooms.