20 minutes ago, fangless said:

Reminds me of this classic:

 

 

A nervous lady on her first flight asks the air hostess..'..do these planes crash often?..'

 

'No... just once...'..

The 2020 Edition

 

2 hours ago, tomazbodner said:

I don't  quite see or get it!

Can you blow it up for me?

 

21 minutes ago, tifino said:

The 2020 Edition

 

I see, yet another overbooking!

I need to re-home a dog. It’s an aggressive little terrier that’s always barking at people.

If anyone is interested, I’ll jump over the neighbours fence and get it for them.

What do we want?
Time travel!
When do we want it?
Last week!

 

What do we want?
Care for old people!
When do we want it?
What?

 

What do we want?
A Cure for Tourettes!
When do we want it?
#$@$%!

 

 

after isolation 

 

 

 

 

Paddy goes into a pub and the publican says, "Good evening, Sir, would you like a drink?" "Yes," replies Paddy, "I'll have a double whiskey."

The publican puts a glass in front of him and says, "That will be six euros please." "Wait a minute," says Paddy, "you invited me to have a drink!"

"He's right you know," says a man standing nearby, "I'm a solicitor and I clearly heard you ask him if he would like a drink. To me that is an invitation to have a drink on the house!"

The angry publican tells Paddy to drink his whiskey and leave – and never to come back. Ten minutes later Paddy comes back into the pub. "I thought I told you not to come back," shouts the publican. Paddy protests, "I've never been in this pub before in my life!" The publican replies, "In that case, you must have a double!"

"Thank you very much," says Paddy, and my solicitor friend will have one as well!"

I remember when every Christmas we'd run downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as we could. Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best gifts but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour dinner before watching telly for the rest of the day. I really miss working at the Royal Mail sorting office.

A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS.
His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi.
He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says,"Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle. "
The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your matzoh balls."
"We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls."
The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little pr1ck like you."

 

 

15 hours ago, fangless said:

I don't  quite see or get it!

Can you blow it up for me?

 

Certainly!

 

My wife suggested that I should get in touch with my feminine side.

 

I ignored her for the rest of the day for no reason at all, and whenever she asked me what was wrong I just replied "Nothing's wrong!"

A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender.

He sits down and orders a drink.
After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, “Pssst… I like your tie.”
The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.
“Pssst… that colour looks nice on you.”

He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”
The bartender rolls his eyes and says,

 

“No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”

A young man walks into a bar and asks the bartender to line him up 10 shots of his strongest liquor on the counter.

The man proceeds to down all 10 shots in a matter of minutes. The bartender asks him “what’s the special occasion” and the guy responds “I just got my first bl*wjob”. The bartender responds “congrats, here have a shot on the house”.

 

The guy says “no thanks, if 10 shots won’t get the taste out of my mouth, 11 wont either”