I said to my son, "When you grow up, I really want you to buy a plot of land and build a shopping centre and a cinema on it."

My wife said, "Will you please stop that, you'll get him developing a complex!"

Bought myself a top of the range stereo made out of cake...

It's a gateau blaster!

A man arrives at the Ben Gurion International Airport in Tel Aviv with two large bags.
The customs officer opens the first bag and finds it full with money in different currencies.
The officer asks the passenger, "How did you get this money?"
The man says, "You will not believe it, but I travelled all over Europe, went into public restrooms, each time I saw a man pee, I grabbed his penis and said, "donate money to Israel or I will cut your balls off"...
The customs officer said, "well... it's a very interesting story... what do you have in the other bag?"
The man said, "You would not believe how many people in Europe do not support Israel..."

I’d booked a table at my local restaurant last night for 8pm.
When we got there I was met by the owner who said they were very busy and would I mind waiting for 20 minutes..
I said “no problem “...
He said “good.  Take these steaks to table 8”!

The brain is the most outstanding organ.
It works 24 hours a day, right from birth until your first erection.

 

Bought my grandson a Peppa Pig jigsaw for his birthday.

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw two dogs shagging, she said "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"
I replied "he can smell she is ready.  That's how nature works".
We then walked past a sheep field, and the ram was shagging the ewe.  Again my girlfriend asked how the ram knew when the ewe was ready for sex.
I replied "it's nature.  He can smell she is ready".
We then went past a cow field and the bull was shagging the cow.  My girlfriend said "this is odd, they are all at it.  Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"

I said "look, it's nature.  All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex".
Anyway, after the walk I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye.  She said "See you soon, and I hope your <deleted> cold gets better".

I wonder what she meant?

Preparing for the Worst...

 

37 minutes ago, Peter Denis said:

Preparing for the Worst...

 

Shouldn’t that be “Preparing for the Wurst !! “ ????

2 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Shouldn’t that be “Preparing for the Wurst !! “ ????

No just barking mad!