I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean.

I just wish they'd told me that you are meant to eat them.

My doctor keeps telling me my tequila habit will kill me...

But I take that with a pinch of salt.

As I was getting in bed, she said, "You’re drunk."

I said, "How do you know?"

She said, "You live next door!"

28 October > Dyslexics Day

 

 

Four college students get drunk together the night before their final exam.

They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.

The day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says “you may begin the test.”

The boys open the final booklet and to their surprise, they each only have one question.

“Which tire was flat. what was the make of car and who repaired the flat?”

A man was walking home drunk

and he decides to take a short cut over a field. In the far end he notices some flashing lights coming from a barn house.

As he gets closer he looks through the window, and to his surprise sees a man in a T-shirt dancing while slowly taking off his overalls.

Drunk as he is, he opens the door and the farmer quickly turns around with a very shocked and embarrassed look on his face.

"what the hell is going on here??" the drunk asks

"oh my, nobody was suppose to see this" the farmer says "but I guess I'll have to explain. My wife and are going through some trouble in the bedroom, so we went to see a therapist.

 

 

 

He said the best advice he had was for me to do something sexy to a tractor"

 

 

Three drunk vampires make a bet to see who is the best at taking blood from their victims.

The first one transforms into a bat and flies away. After a couple of minutes he comes back with some blood in his lips. The other two ask him where he got it from.

"See that little kid over there? That's where."

The second vampire transforms himself into a bat and comes back with even more blood than the first one. They ask him where he got it from.

"See that man over there? That's the guy I got it from."

The third one also transforms himself into a bat. It doesn't take him too long to come back. His entire body is covered in blood. The other two are amazed and ask him where he got it from.

"See that wall over there?"

They nod.

"Well, I didn't."

My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school...

So I punched him in the face and stole his dinner money.

A new strain of head lice is going around which is resistant to conventional treatments...

It has left scientists scratching their heads.

Everyone was excited to be at our autopsy club this evening...

It was open Mike night.

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.

Times are tough in the UK tourist industry.

My friend owns a Blackpool rock factory that's been in his family for generations.

Last month he had to lay off half his staff.

Unfortunately, he thought he was doing them a favour by giving them a full month notice.

Now he's stuck with 6 miles of rock with <deleted> Off written all the way through.