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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

 

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served? They look like Spanish oysters!'

 

The waiter replied, 'Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are not oysters... they are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A rare delicacy!'

 

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

 

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. Tomorrow, if you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

 

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.   After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

 

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins and the man loses !' 

5 hours ago, ballpoint said:

My wife threw part of a lettuce at me last week. 

That was just the tip of the iceberg...

I think you may be a little bit green but lettuce discuss this later during our salad days!

A woman went to the doctor’s complaining of a total lack of energy and being very nervous.

After being examined, he told her she was on the edge of a nervous breakdown and should give up cigarettes, booze and sex for 3 months. But after a week, the woman returned saying she was even closer to a breakdown if she couldn’t smoke.” 
“OK, have 5 cigarettes a day.” 
Another week went by and she returned saying she missed her glass of gin so much, it helped to relax her. 
“OK, just one small glass a day,” said the doctor. 
Two weeks later she returned again and before she could say anything, the doctor quickly interrupted. 

 

“OK, OK, but only with your husband – there must be no excitement.” 
 

The Reverend James and his newly married wife retire to the honeymoon suite, where she gets ready for bed and he disappears into the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out to find his wife is already under the covers. 
“Doris, I thought I’d find you on your knees,” he said. 

“Oh darling, we can do it that way another time, for the moment I’d like to see your face.” 
 

“You look upset, Jack, what’s wrong?” 
“I’ve just found my wife in bed having sex with my best friend.” 
“Oh mate, I’m sorry to hear that. What did you do?” 
“I told her to pack her bags and sod off.” 
“Good for you, and what about your best friend?” 

 

“I got him by the scruff of the neck and said, ‘Bad boy Rover and gave him a bone!’” 
 

Taffy goes to work on a farm and is put in charge of the sheep. To his dismay the ram dies on his first day so he cannot get them to lamb.  He seeks advice from an old Kiwi Shepard who was brought up in country ways. 

“Get your sheep in the tractor, take them up to the top of the moors at the dead of night and do what the Ram would do to them yourself,” says the friend. “Then in the morning if they’re lying down they’ll be “satisfied.” He said with a wink.

So that night Johnny does as he’s been told, takes them up to the moors in his tractor and gives them all a good going over. 

Next morning he looks out of his window but they’re all standing up. So next day he tries again, takes them up the moors in his tractor, does the business, but the next morning they’re still all standing up. The following night he goes through the routine again but the next morning he’s woken up by a terrible noise. 
“Bloody hell,” he curses, looking down into the farmyard. 

 

The sheep are all sat in the tractor sounding the horn. 
 

A rich old man of 85 went to the doctor’s for a check-up. He explained that he was about to get married to a young girl of 20 and he needed to know how fit he was. 
“Well, for a man of your age, you are remarkably well, but,” cautioned the doctor, “are you sure you’re doing the right thing? It may well put a lot of strain on you.” 
But the old man could not be persuaded to change his mind. 

“Well, in that case,” persisted the doctor, “it may be a good idea to take in a lodger. I’m sure you will find the marriage a lot less strenuous.” 
The old man thought this over and said it sounded like a good idea.

 

A few months later the doctor and the old man met up again at the village fete. 
“Hello, doctor,” beamed the old man, “you must congratulate me, my wife is pregnant.” 
The doctor kept a straight face, as he wished the old man well. 
“I guess you took my advice about taking in a lodger then?” 

 

“Indeed I did, and it was a great idea, thanks” winked the old man, enjoying himself

 

 

”and she’s pregnant too!” 
 

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The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
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1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

 9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

13 hours ago, ravip said:

Wow.........what dark site did you stumble onto ravip.........................

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