2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Doesn't mention the kiddies?

Re; "Fiddler Gravestone" earlier!

 

Or Social Security/Cash!

 

 

Two kids were arguing in the playground.

"My dad's a better darts player than yours," said the first boy.

"No, he ain't," said the second boy. "My dad got the highest score last week."

"OK, OK, but my mum's better than your mum."

"Yeah, alright, my dad says the same thing."
 

The teacher told the class to make up a poem about Timbuctoo, to recite in front of the class.

The first child recited hers:

" When I was lying in my bed;

I dreamt of a ship with funnels red.  A beautiful ship, its hull was blue
I think it was going to Timbuctoo. "

"Well done, Lucy. Now let's hear the next offering." 
During the morning all the poems were heard, the last one coming from young Johnny.

" As we walked down a lane in Kent
We saw two ladies in a tent
I said to Tim, 'What shall we do?'
Then I bucked one and Tim bucked two. "
 

Isn’t that cute, they’re almost holding hands.

There was a couple who liked to party every night. One day, on the way home from work, having spent his last £5 in the pub at lunchtime, the husband passed an old beggar and threw him his last few coins.

Lo and behold, the beggar turned into a genie and granted the man one wish for being so kind to him.

"I could do with a drink," said the man.

"Well, I've got just the answer," replied the genie.
"Every time you need a pee, you'll pass 5ml of brandy. It'll be the best you've ever had."

"Get away with you," laughed the man and continued home. 
However, the incident stayed in the man's head and the next time he went to the loo, he peed into a small container. 
It smelled like brandy. He sipped it and it tasted wonderful.

"Hey, Marge, get a load of this," he yelled to his wife and for the rest of the evening they drank to their heart's content. Every day he'd come home, Marge would fetch the glasses and away they'd go.

Then on Saturday night the husband turned to his wife and said, "Marge, bring me one glass please."
She did as she was asked and he peed into it.
"Why only one glass tonight?" she asked puzzled.

"Well, my love," he replied, "I thought tonight you could drink straight from the bottle."
 

Just bought some chocolate that resembles someone's buttocks.

1 hour ago, roo860 said:

Just bought some chocolate that resembles someone's buttocks.

Not for the first time, I need a clue.

Generation gap?

How did we go from this to this.pdf

my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum

Funeral director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"

Me: "ship her home"

Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"

Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance"

Funeral director: "Jesus Christ, man."

Me: "Yeah, that's the one."

12 hours ago, roo860 said:

Just bought some chocolate that resembles someone's buttocks.

A bit of a "queer" photo I think!

I would not like to see any bottoms with all those lumps!

ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN EUROPE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “<deleted> Off” to “Let’s Get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

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More Tales From The Highly Trained Thai Police Squad.........