21 hours ago, bluesofa said:

Is there a vegan option for fish? What about a cruelty-free option for humanely killed potatoes?

well, at least in OZ; there's a cooked dish called 'mock fish'

 - which is variably tasting fried shaved/slivered potato lay out... 

It was a regular choice in our military Mess diet -  and the variations meant differing names... mock this, mock that, mock this unknown 'surprise' 

47 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

and if he fell off of his meditating rock, he'd suffer a covident...

20 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I wonder if he drives a Midget .

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

Reminds me of that old one.    2 blokes walking along , they see a dog washing its nuts.

One chap says to the other  ' I wish I could do that '.  The other chap says ' Give it a biscuit and it might let you '.

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"

"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.

"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."

 

When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you will not be able to make anything even remotely resembling a rooster."

 

This makes the blonde furious. "Calm down," says the brunette. "Once you are relaxed, we can start putting the corn flakes back into the box."

Dated a gold digger once...
I date this girl once, she was a solid 10. She was smoking hot, and crazy in bed. Things went south though, she claimed I lied about how much money I had.

 

And I was like “my exact words where, that I has worth between 40 and 75 million dollars”.

So what if it was only $2,165. It is still between $40- $75,000,000.

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket...
The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing. The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

 

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The farmer says, "Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses."

 

The policeman says, "Hmmm. Did you just call me a horse's a55?"

The farmer says, "Oh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing."

 

The policeman says, "Well, that's a good thing, then."

The farmer adds, "But it sure is hard to fool those circle flies."

5 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Lollipop Ladies make me cross.

What do you expect when you cross dress with your young sister's school uniform on!

5 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Has anyone ever been the right amount of whelmed?

The skipper of the evergreen perhaps!

 

 

 

 

A woman has a parrot who uses such foul language she has to keep him covered up when visitors call round. One day the vicar comes to tea and on hearing about her problem suggests he take the parrot back to his house where he has a female parrot who is forever on her knees praying. Maybe she can change his ways. The woman agrees and the parrot goes back with the vicar. As soon as he is put in the female parrot's cage, his awful behaviour begins.

"C'mon, girl, let's get to it, get them little parrot knickers off."

Lo and behold, the female parrot replies, to the total disgust of the vicar

"At long bloody last, my prayers have been answered you &*&**&* etc etc."
 

At the Movies

Did you hear about the gay film at the Soho sex club?

It was very emotional, there wasn't a dry fly in the place.
 

At long last the Cisco Kid is captured by the Sioux Indians, who bury him up to his neck in the sand to face a long and painful death. Out of respect for the 'Kid'

the Indians grant him one last wish and he asks them to free his old trusty horse.

So the horse is freed and the Cisco Kid whistles him over and whispers in his ear. The horse then runs away but appears an hour later with a beautiful girl on its back.

The girl gets off, comes over to the Cisco Kid and lifts her skirt to show she has no knickers on. She then sits on his face and wiggles around.

As the Cisco Kid comes up for air he shouts to his horse, "You silly b&gger, I said go and get me a posse."
 

Nursing one almighty hangover, Lady Ponsonby decided to get a breath of fresh air and take a walk around the grounds.

After a few minutes she met her husband's manservant and casually mentioned to him that she was feeling rather under the weather after last night's riotous hen party, and couldn't remember getting to bed.

"I helped you, Ma'am," replied the manservant. "I took off your dress and hung it up so it wouldn't get creased."

"But I woke up totally naked," she replied.

"That's right, Ma'am, I removed your underclothes because I thought they might be a little uncomfortable."

"Gosh, I can't remember anything," she said. "I must have been really tight."

 

"Not after the first time, Your Ladyship."
 

The interview for secretary had been going well until the boss asked the very attractive and well endowed applicant, "How good are you on the typewriter?"

 

"Pretty good," she replied, "but I'm better on the desk,  couch or floor or better still the Paris hotel room"
 

"You can use my Dictaphone," said the office Casanova to the new secretary.

"No, thanks, I'll use my finger if it's all the same with you," she replied.

*
 

The ambitious PA went out for dinner with her boss and when the bill arrived she said,

"I must insist we go Dutch. You pay for dinner and the rest of the evening will be on me."
 

On 4/4/2021 at 8:01 AM, sanuk711 said:

.

 

But ....

 

https://ukma.org.uk/why-metric/myths/metric-internationally/the-moon-landings/

 

 

.

.