Who will shoulder the blame for this bare ar5ed cheek?

Jack and Sally were re-tracing their steps and visiting all the places they saw on their honeymoon, 30 years previously. 
"Look, Sal, isn't that the little stream we paddled in, and over there...do you remember I sat you on that wall and we made love? Come on, let's do it again." 
So he put Sally on the fence and they got down to business, but this time Sally went absolutely wild. 

"Gosh, Sal, that was incredible, you didn't do that last time we were here." 

"No," she replied, "but back then, the fence wasn't electrified." 

What do you say to a girl who can suck an olive through a straw? Will you marry me? 

 

The young man was so nervous on meeting his future father-in-law that he blurted out, "Sir, may I have your daughter's hole in handy matrimony?" 

 

Johnny looked around the church and turned to his best man, saying, "You know Jack, apart from my wife-to-be and her two sisters, there's not a woman in this church that I haven't had." 
Jack replied, "Well, in that case, between the two of us we've had them all." 
 

A nymphomaniac could never find enough men to satisfy her so she decided to buy her own dildo. Now she had an old boyfriend who stocked some unique sexual aids and went along to ask him for something extra special." As it happens, I've just had this dildo delivered," he said. "It's from Hawaii and it's got strange powers. All you have to say is "Dildo G-Spot" and it will do the business." 
So she took it home, unwrapped it and said "Dildo G-Spot" 
and the dildo jumped out of the box and up between her legs. It was the most fantastic feeling she'd ever had but when she wanted it to stop, it wouldn't. Her boyfriend hadn't given her the right words to say and she was now feeling very knackered and he was out at work. 
"There's only one thing to do," she thought to herself. "I'd better get to the doctor's." 
So she jumped in the car and drove as fast as she could to the surgery but on the way a policeman stopped her for speeding. She explained her predicament, in between having another orgasm, but the policeman looked at her as if she was mad. "If I believed that, I'd believe anything," he said. 
"Dildo my ass!" 
 

A small boy Is sent to bed by his father...
Five minutes later "Da-ad..." "What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY... Can I have a drink of water?"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!"
Five minutes later "Daaad..." "WHAT?!"

 

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?" 

' I asked the missus what she wanted for her birthday?
"Just get me something that starts with a D and ends in O"
Gave me a sexy wink and left it at that. 
Does anyone know where I can buy a Didgeridoo in Chiang Mai?

 

Paddy's up in court.
The judge says to him,
'Sir you've been brought here for drinking
'Great' Paddy says, ‘When do I start?' 

Ordered a Chinese takeaway last night.
As I got in the car I heard the bag rustle.
So I looked over and saw a pair of eyes looking out the top of the bag at me, then disappear back inside.
I was so scared I nearly made a mess of myself.
I looked and saw it again.
I ran back into the shop with the bag and asked the Chinese man what was going on!
He said,
'You no worry, it's only peeking duck'