Back in the day, I was out fishing with Dean Martin when I caught a giant eel.

I said "What species is this, Dean?!”

"That's a moray..."

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

That reminds me of Lt Phillips in "The Navy Lark" on Sunday afternoons back in the middle of the last century.

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show.
Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's actually called Fact Hunt.

 

48 minutes ago, billd766 said:

That reminds me of Lt Phillips in "The Navy Lark" on Sunday afternoons back in the middle of the last century.

Left hand down a bit.  No, your other left!

HOSPITAL BILL 

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

 

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to d floor.

 

The paramedics rushed d man to d nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

 

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

 

 A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard 
loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

 

"Do you have health insurance?" 

 

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

 

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

 

He replied, "No money in d bank."

 

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

 

He said, "I only have a *spinster* sister, and she is a nun."

 

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, " *Nuns are not spinsters*! 

 

*Nuns are married to God*.."

The patient replied, "Perfect... 

 

Send the bill to my *brother-in-law*."

 

> Announcement from TAT

 

Fear Not. The Control is under control. 

You ungrateful dirty people don't understand our professional work. The Thong Lor incident was wrongly reported. It was a secret government meeting. So now you know.

We made big improvements, and we came up with the final solution with TAT. Unfortunately because of some reckless entertainment venues, we had to start working from home, but our productivity rate is exponential.

TAT just announced their new plan of how to make Thailand the HUB of vaccine tourism and how to integrate this new market into their sandbox model. Airplanes are already on the taxiway with trillionaires (or gazillionaires) on board who are predicted to spend 10 to the power of 100, Bath (It's a googol) per day.

New slogan: Thailand Is Great Egain ®, aka TIGER.  

 

Calm down wherever you traveled during Songkran, or go back to your country if you doubt our professionalism.

 

< posted by @BookShe in a different thread, but so hilarious that I could not resist re-posting it here > 

What does James Bond's doorbell sounds like?
''Dong, Ding Dong''

 

My wife had to explain it to me. I am so lame...

James Bond is well known for his introduction as "Bond, James Bond" and doorbells have the onomatopoeia "ding dong"
I believe you can work it out from there...

 

Ok. Now explain onomatopoeia.

Think I will need to monitor my twin brother's health more closely;
I have just discovered I am listed in his phone as “Spare parts”!
 

Was it love at first sight?

No, second. The first time I didn't know he had so much money.
 

A farmer decided to test his 18-year-old son's initiative. He gave him a duck and told him to go into town and come back better off. On his travels, the son met a prostitute and asked for 15 minutes of her time in return for the duck. It was an unusual request, but she accepted and took him back to her flat.

 

After the session, the prostitute was so impressed with his athleticism that she told him she'd give the duck back if they did it again. So later that day, he still had the duck and he'd enjoyed himself a great deal. Then to his dismay, the duck was frightened by a loud noise. It flew into the path of an oncoming truck and was killed instantly. The driver was so upset he gave the boy £10 compensation.

 

"So how did it go?" asked the father when his son arrived home that evening.

 

"Pretty good," replied the son. "I got a screw for a duck, a duck for a screw and £10 for a screwed-up duck."

 

 

 

PS; This is the edited family version.  Replace screws with a sexual activity if you want the risque version!

 

 

 

 

A woman was given a parrot for her birthday but the bird had grown up with a bad attitude and some of the foulest language she had ever heard. Try as she might at teaching it new words, soothing it with music etc she could not get the parrot to change. One day, he was even worse than usual. She got so angry that she put him in the freezer and closed the door.

 

The bird could be heard squawking, kicking and screaming, and then all went quiet. Frightened that she may have harmed him, she quickly opened the door and the parrot calmly stepped out.

 

"If I've offended you in any way, I'm very sorry," he said. "I promise it will never happen again. By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Many people tried, but no one succeeded and much to the owner's delight, a lot of money was raised. Then, two days later, a small, rather insipid man arrived at the zoo and offered his £50 to take up the bet. Feeling quite safe, the owner took him over to the lion's cage and called for witnesses. When a crowd had gathered, the man produced a wooden truncheon from within his coat, swung it around in the air and hit the lion in the testicles  as hard as possible. With an almighty growl, the lion jumped three feet into the air. Very dispirited, the owner handed over the £1,000 prize.

A couple of months passed and the owner was forced to think up another bet.

This time he decided to challenge people to make the lion shake his head from side to side within 15 seconds of meeting it and without touching it or giving it anything in any way. It was a roaring success and the financial situation started to improve again. 
Alas, to his horror, the small insipid man appeared one week later and handed over his entry fee. He went over to the lion and whispered, "Do you remember me?"

The lion nodded apprehensively.

"Do you want me to do the same as I did last time?"

And the lion shook his head vigorously.
 

The first paragraph is missing from the lion "joke" above/previous page.

Here is the full "joke";

 

Once, there was a small private zoo that was dependent on public contributions to pay for its upkeep. However, due to the COVID pandemic times were tough and the zoo was losing money hand over fist. Somehow the owner had to raise some cash. He came up with a brilliant idea. The next day, notices went up that anyone who could make the most ferocious lion jump straight up in the air would win £1,000. The entry fee would be £50.

Many people tried, but no one succeeded and much to the owner's delight, a lot of money was raised. Then, two days later, a small, rather insipid man arrived at the zoo and offered his £50 to take up the bet. Feeling quite safe, the owner took him over to the lion's cage and called for witnesses. When a crowd had gathered, the man produced a wooden truncheon from within his coat, swung it around in the air and hit the lion in the testicles  as hard as possible. With an almighty growl, the lion jumped three feet into the air. Very dispirited, the owner handed over the £1,000 prize.

A couple of months passed and the owner was forced to think up another bet.

This time he decided to challenge people to make the lion shake his head from side to side within 15 seconds of meeting it and without touching it or giving it anything in any way. It was a roaring success and the financial situation started to improve again. 
Alas, to his horror, the small insipid man appeared one week later and handed over his entry fee. He went over to the lion and whispered, "Do you remember me?"

The lion nodded apprehensively.

"Do you want me to do the same as I did last time?"

 

And the lion shook his head vigorously.
 

My nephew has two tickets (box seats) for the 2021 SUPER BOWL, for sale.

He paid $1,500 for each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be the same day as his  wedding.

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...

The wedding is at the First Baptist Church in Dallas at 3pm.

Her name is Judy, she is 5'1, about 110 lbs, she's a good cook too...She'll be the one in the white dress.

You will never guess who I just saw at the petrol station -
it was that human torch guy from the Fantastic 4 film.
I tried to get his autograph, but he just kept rolling around on the floor screaming.

NEWSFLASH…………..

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homophobes descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted, 'He's behind you!'

My wife has been missing now for over a week.

The police have now told me to "prepare for the worst" so I've just been out to the charity shop to get some of her clothes back.

What’s the best way to make an ornate Italian sink?

Tie a brick to his Gucci swimming trunks.

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she'd stood him up.

A new survey shows that 25 to 30 year olds don't drink as much alcohol as they did 20 years ago.
They must have been one p!ssed bunch of 5 to 10 year olds.

I like my steaks rare.
Tonight I'm having panda.

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!