Lets face it English is a strange language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England 

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, How Come Fingers Don't Fing.

If The Plural Of Tooth Is Teeth

Shouldn't The Plural Of Phone Booth Be Phone Beeth

If The Teacher Taught,

Why Didn't The Preacher Praught.

If A Vegetarian Eats Vegetables

What The Heck Does A Humanitarian Eat!?

Why Do People Recite At A Play

Yet Play At A Recital?

Park On Driveways And

Drive On Parkways

How Can The Weather Be As Hot As Hell On One Day

And As Cold As Hell On Another

You Have To Marvel At The Unique Lunacy

Of A Language Where A House Can Burn Up As

It Burns Down

And In Which You Fill In A Form

By Filling It Out

And A Bell Is Only Heard Once It Goes!

English Was Invented By People, Not Computers

And It Reflects The Creativity Of The Human Race

(Which Of Course Isn't A Race At All)

That Is Why

When The Stars Are Out They Are Visible

But When The Lights Are Out They Are Invisible

And Why It Is That When I Wind Up My Watch

It Starts

But When I Wind Up This Poem

It Ends.

47 minutes ago, fangless said:

Girl power!

Kids today don't know how well off they are. I was orphaned at a young age and raised by a pack of hyenas.

No toys, no posh house, facing starvation and scavenging for food, but boy, did we have some laughs.

I'm looking to start up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum.
Just need help getting it off the ground.

I popped down to my local corner store this morning for a loaf of bread and the woman said we don't have bread we only have muffins, I asked her what the difference was and she replied, there are 2 F's in Muffins and no F in Bread.

A man and his wife were having some problems at home  
and were giving each other the silent treatment.  

 

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife  
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece  
of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'  He left it where he knew she would find it.

 

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it  
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
 
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he  
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.   The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM.  Wake up.'

 

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

 

What do you get when you throw a epileptic in a bowl with some croutons?

a seizure salad.

 

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
A pickpocket snatches watches.

 

Why was the mushroom invited to the party?
Because he was the fungi.

 

I can never understand why people say that the Mona Lisa was leonardo da Vinci's best work.
I thought hw was quite impressive in 'Titanic'

 

Why was the math textbook clinically depressed?
So many problems!

 

I just realized that my calculator is missing the minus button....

But on the plus side, it still works.

 

 

A Few Doctor Jokes

A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

 

The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office, having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”
“Well,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid is.”

 

My doctor told me I drink too many martinis. I asked him why he thought that? He told me my last urine test had an olive in it.

 

Patient: “Doctor, I feel like a dog.”
Doctor: “How long have you felt that?”
Patient: “Since I was a puppy.”

 

A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has five penises. The doctor says, “Five penises?! How do your pants fit?”
The man replies, “Like a glove.”

 

My doctor told he would have me on my feet in two weeks and he was right. I had to sell my car to pay the bill.

 

Mechanics Bible

Found on a sign at a lube shop,
"He who hath no oil may throw the first rod"

Great US comments.

 

People think that US imports are made in the US. That is obviously not true. Some are made abroad and assembled here. -- Junior Bush.

 

Why do I need learn English. I'm never going to England. -- Homer Simpson.

 

The definition of divorce. The act of ripping a man's testicles through his pay-check. -- Robin Williams.

All sentences are solvable.

 

*There is a fruit in each sentence. Just need to identify the fruit from the given statement:-*

 

Example: 
Question : Did you see a man go by? 
Answer : *(Mango)*

 

1. He found his home lonely after his dog’s death.

2. One dare not rob an anaconda of its prey. 

3. The crook made his escape armed with a gem. 

4. She told her uncle money was what she needed more. 

5. If I go out now, I shall miss my cousin. 

6. Either courage or anger made him move swiftly. 

7. The beggar held out his cap pleading for money. 

8. Matters regarding rape should be dealt differently. 

9. The English teacher Ryan teaches French too.
10. He saw his papa yawning at work.
11. He had kept on his lap lumpsum of money.

12. Are classes for Telugu available in this city? 

13. It is easy to shape a child rather than a man.  

14. He is an extremely cheesy guy. 

15. Can I wear a khaki with a black shirt? 

 

 The letters are all found next to each other. No need to jump or skip anywhere or separate in the sentence.

6 minutes ago, ravip said:

All sentences are solvable.

 

*There is a fruit in each sentence. Just need to identify the fruit from the given statement:-*

 

Example: 
Question : Did you see a man go by? 
Answer : *(Mango)*

 

1. He found his home lonely after his dog’s death.

2. One dare not rob an anaconda of its prey. 

3. The crook made his escape armed with a gem. 

4. She told her uncle money was what she needed more. 

5. If I go out now, I shall miss my cousin. 

6. Either courage or anger made him move swiftly. 

7. The beggar held out his cap pleading for money. 

8. Matters regarding rape should be dealt differently. 

9. The English teacher Ryan teaches French too.
10. He saw his papa yawning at work.
11. He had kept on his lap lumpsum of money.

12. Are classes for Telugu available in this city? 

13. It is easy to shape a child rather than a man.  

14. He is an extremely cheesy guy. 

15. Can I wear a khaki with a black shirt? 

 

 The letters are all found next to each other. No need to jump or skip anywhere or separate in the sentence.

1 Melon

2 Banana

3 Pear

4 Lemon

5 Fig

6 Orange

7 Apple

8 Grape

9 Cherry

10 Papaya

11 Plum

12 Guava

13 Peach

14 Lychee

15 Kiwi

 

Correct?

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I'm looking to start up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum.
Just need help getting it off the ground.

Suggest you keep the idea under wraps and chew it  over before committing to it other wise you could come to a sticky end if the bubble busts!

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I popped down to my local corner store this morning for a loaf of bread and the woman said we don't have bread we only have muffins, I asked her what the difference was and she replied, there are 2 F's in Muffins and no F in Bread.

I think she was just being a bit crusty and taking a rise out of you.

11 minutes ago, fangless said:

I think she was just being a bit crusty and taking a rise out of you.

Yes, I'd take my business elsewhere, but she really needs the dough.

Uncle Derek was found dead with a belt around his neck and a <deleted> shoved up him.

At his funeral the vicar said that he’d always be remembered for his charity work.

Wronggg!!

Back in the day I could walk into a store with $30 in my pocket, and walk out with 6 lovely marbled steaks, 2 roasting chickens, a case of beer, 5 bottles of wine, 2 loaves of sourdough bread and a gallon of milk.

You can't do that today - too many cameras!

My Bluetooth speaker wasn't working so I threw it into the lake...

Now it's syncing.