Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I."

 

Student: I is the ...

 

Teacher: Stop! Never put "is" after "I." Always put 'am' after "I."

 

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

A Quickie...

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order:

 

"What would you like, sir?"

 

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

 

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

 

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,

 

"What would you like, sir?"

 

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,

 

"A quickie, please."

 

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

 

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,

 

"Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE.'"

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. See his answers:

01. Antibody - One who hates his body .

02. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.
03. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .
04. Coma - Punctuation Mark .
05. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .
06. Genes - Blue Denim.
07. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work .
08. Liposuction - A French Kiss .
09. Ultrasound - Radical Sound that is above human hearing capacity, such as wife's talk.
10. Cardiology - Advanced Study of Playing Cards
11. Dyspepsia : difficulty in drinking pepsi.
12. Chicken Pox- A Non-Veg. continental dish.

13. CT Scan: Test for identifying person's city

14. Radiology- the study of how Radio works

15. Parotitis : information about the parrots.

16. Urology: the study of European people

19 hours ago, Hamus Yaigh said:

Uncle Derek was found dead with a belt around his neck and a <deleted> shoved up him.

 

At his funeral the vicar said that he’d always be remembered for his charity work.

 

Wronggg!!

 

 

Garry Delaney! ????

On 5/12/2021 at 2:10 PM, fangless said:

I think she was just being a bit crusty and taking a rise out of you.

Was your comment kneaded.

Sounds half baked to me or maybe you're trying to butter things up.

45 minutes ago, KC 71 said:

As the man with the wooden leg said  I'm sitting on the fence because the answer is a matter of a pinion.

59 minutes ago, overherebc said:

Was your comment kneaded.

Sounds half baked to me or maybe you're trying to butter things up.

Crumbs, any more comments like that and you'll soon be toast!  ????

8 hours ago, ravip said:

16. Urology: the study of European people

I though you were going to take the "P" with that one!

"Mummy, Mummy, are little birds made of metal?"

"Of course not, darling, why do you think that?"

"I just heard Daddy tell Sam that he'd like to screw the a**e off the bird next door."
 

Three blokes were talking about the best way to have it away with a sheep.

The first two agreed it was the back legs down the wellies and the front legs over the wall. But the third said, "No, it's the back legs down the wellies and the front legs over the shoulders."

"Doesn't that make it difficult?" said the other two. "What's wrong with our way?"

"What! And miss out on all that kissing?"
 

Jack was a plumber. He worked for himself and had just finished a job for Mr Crabtree. As he left, he handed him a bill.

"Prompt payment would be greatly appreciated," he said.

However, a couple of weeks went by without payment, so Jack sent a reminder.

Another month went by and still no sign of a cheque, so he sent a second reminder.

After another four weeks, he wrote a letter and enclosed a picture of his wife and two children, writing on the back, "This is the reason I need money to feed my family."

Lo and behold, two days later a letter arrived in the post. It was from Mr Crabtree. But alas, there was no cheque. The envelope contained just one photo.

A picture of a voluptuous blonde, wearing a bikini and standing next to a zippy little sports car. On the back of the photo was written, "And this is the reason I can't pay."

My Dad always said he had the memory of an elephant.

He said one time he went to the zoo and saw an elephant.