A guy in a pub sold me a rare, antique map of the Sahara Desert for only £20 last night....
This morning when I sobered up I realised that it was a sheet of sandpaper...

A boy enters a barber shop.

The barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.”

 

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

 

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

 

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same boy coming out of an ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

 

The boy licked his ice cream cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over."

Two Chimps & a Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast in Australia

when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?' 'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?' 'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble.'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the

amusement of a

big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran

over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you

$100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld.

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

 

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an encoded message, meant to a Brazilian operative currently undercover. He calls the CIA and describes the situation, shortly after 2 agents are dispatched to the location.

 

After some hours of work and observation they are unable to decipher any meaning from the encoded message, the president eventually calls again and says:

Hello. Tu ti, tu tututu.

 

The 2 agents recorded the enigmatic message and after some more frustration, they decided to call in a specialist in Portuguese language. The specialist after learning of the situation decides that the best course of action is to go undercover as room service to the president room.

 

Wen the specialist got back he explained:

 

All the president wanted was some tea delivered to his room. Two tea, to two two two

My boss calls me the computer

 

Not because I'm smart, but because I go to sleep if left unattended for a few minutes

Someone's stolen all the bus stop signs from our street.

Just where do these people get off?

Well, that's bang out of order.

 

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the 'Peekaboo' virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with Peekaboo straight to ICU.

My window cleaner knocked at the door this morning, shouting and swearing.

I thought, blimey he's lost his rag.

I can't stop eating Polos, Extra Strong Mints, Mentos and TicTacs...

I'm worried I'm going to end up in a menthol institution!

In breaking news, a naked man broke into a church earlier this morning.

The police chased him for an hour before catching him by the organ.

A blonde goes in McDonalds.

"Big Mac and fries, please."

"What size fries would you like?"

Holds up pinky finger and says, "a bit longer than that but not as wide."

10 hours ago, roo860 said:

This peon doesn't eat caviar, however it does work the same with jam. It also proves the saying of, Jam Tomorrow. If I don't eat toast and jam today, my toast (almost) never falls on the floor.