A rather shy and backword girl is visiting the zoo when suddenly as she passes the monkey house, a huge ape grabs her, pulls her over the moat and gives her a good seeing to.

Afterwards she is taken to hospital in a state of shock and it is almost a week before she is allowed any visitors. When she does eventually have friends to see her and they ask how she is, she replies,

 

"Terrible. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written..."
 

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson went on a camping trip to Dartmoor and as they lay down for the night Sherlock Holmes said, "Doctor Watson, my old friend, when you look up into the darkness, please tell me what you see."

"Well, I can see a very clear sky, there are no clouds and the stars are out in their millions. I can see the Milky Way and I believe that extra-bright star over there is the planet Venus which you can see at this time of the year. I would also deduce that being such a clear night will mean that it will get quite chilly."

Watson laughed and said, "But knowing you, Sherlock, I'm sure there are many things I have missed. What have you deduced?"

There was a moment's silence and then Holmes replied,

 

"Somebody's nicked our tent."
 

Why do we never see Dumbo the elephant make a flying trip to Scotland?

Disneyland...

The inventor of the sexual innuendo has sadly passed away today.

His wife is taking it really hard.

1 hour ago, Hamus Yaigh said:

Why do we never see Dumbo the elephant make a flying trip to Scotland?

 

Disneyland...

 

How can you tell the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney? Bing sings but Walt disney

4 hours ago, Hamus Yaigh said:

The inventor of the sexual innuendo has sadly passed away today.

 

His wife is taking it really hard.

 

Not from him she isn't!

Q. What's the difference between the Italian Mafia and the Glasgow Mafia?

 

A. The Italian Mafia make you an offer you can't refuse, whereas the Glasgow Mafia make you an offer you can't understand

At the end of 2020 I had enough used condoms to melt down and make a car tyre.

 

It was a Goodyear.

“Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.”

Billy Connolly

I was going to write down a list of my top ten favourite sexual innuendo jokes but, by mistake, I came up with eleven.

So I had to rub one out.

8 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

At the end of 2020 I had enough used condoms to melt down and make a car tyre.

 

It was a Goodyear.

Was that for/from your dinky toy?

 

PS;  For non Brits;  Dinky Toys was the brand name for a range of die-cast zinc alloy miniature vehicles produced by Meccano Ltd. They were made in England from 1934 to 1979