I have an enormous favour to ask you.

 

Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.

 

Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.

 

Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

 

I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

 

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.

 

I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust!

 

When you die, what part of the body dies last? The pupils…they dilate.

 

A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb. He just can't part with it.

.

Why did the young horse practice galloping in private? 
He didn’t want to make a foal of himself.
 

11 hours ago, tomazbodner said:

 

 

I just cant hear that last word on the punch line Tomazbodner......"My Wife's ??? ........ what

A neurologist was diagnosing a man who had lost the ability to do basic math.

“What’s 9 plus 9?” “12”.

“What’s 8 and 8?” “10”.

The doctor shook his head. “Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?”

The man thought for a second, and answered “1E”.

“Aha, I’ve figured it out!” The doctor said. 

“Somebody’s clearly put a hex on you.”

 

PS;  I hope there is no need to ASCII me to explain!

Did you hear about the nude cannibal social group? 
Yeah, they really like to meat new people in the raw.
 

Do the Dukes of Hazzard ever stop for the police? 
Not General Lee.
 

My son has been chewing at electrical cables.  

What should I do?
It was suggested that I ground him till he conducts himself properly.

Does anyone have any more suggestions?

14 minutes ago, sanuk711 said:

 

I just cant hear that last word on the punch line Tomazbodner......"My Wife's ??? ........ what

My wife's first husband

"Trojan" is not a good name for a condom.

Had roast badger and all the trimmings last night.
Very nice.
It was a sett meal for two

They say a dog is a man's best friend.
But I don't even have enemies that would stare directly into my eyes whilst taking a cr@p on my carpet.

Did you know that Bruce Lee had a faster older brother?

Sudden Lee.

John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon.
History shows us that if you don't want your child assassinated,
don't name them after an airport.