Hillbilly fixer upper

 

A Nun was praying when the priest approached her...

The Priest Lightly Tapped the Nun on the shoulder and asked her to follow him
The Priest Walked Away and The Nun quickly followed not far behind him
They arrived In a Room Behind the Church
The Priest Went inside the room and gestured for the Nun to do the same
"Sister, Close The Door" Said The Priest "Jesus If Something ever happens please forgive my soul" Prayed The Nun
"Sister Lock it" Said The Priest "Jesus If Something Ever Happens Please Forgive My Soul" Prayed The Nun
"Sister Close The Window Curtains" Said The Priest "Jesus If Something ever happens please forgive my soul" Prayed The Nun
"Sister close the lights" The Priest Said "Jesus If Something Ever Happens Please Forgive My soul"
"Sister come here beside me" The Priest Said "Jesus I'm sorry for what is about to happen please forgive my soul in heaven" prayed the Nun

"Sister Look at My Watch it glows in the dark"

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No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words complete and finished. 
Some people say there is no difference but there is. 
When you marry the right woman you are complete! 
When you marry the wrong woman you are finished! 
Though if you marry a wife who likes shopping you are completely finished!

Did you know that where there is a will there are relatives.

Two bedbugs fell in love when they met in the downtown motel.  
They hope to get married in the spring.

The pastor entered his donkey in a race, and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered into a second race, and it won again'
The local paper read. PASTORS ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read.
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, bearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day.
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold It to a farmer for $10. 
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free 
The next day the headlines read.
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.