They say to never go shopping for food when you’re hungry.
It’s been a week already and I'm just getting hungrier and hungrier.

Hairdressers are not as good as they used to be.
When I was a kid, barbers were that confident they had given you a good haircut, they sold condoms.

Breaking News:
Garden Gnome mowed down in turf war.

Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with...
How did two sticks win?

What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved:

They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
 

Why do walruses love a Tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.
 

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.
 

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
 

Why did God give men penises?
So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.
 

What did the penis say to the vagina?
It is so dark please don’t make me come in there!
 

Relationships are like fat people... 
Most of them don't work out.
 

I failed my driver's test today. 
The instructor asked me "What do you do at a red light?" 
I said "I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook."
 

"I'll do whatever I can for my constituents"

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

 

"We have two big needs," said the village headman. "First, we have a hospital but no doctor."

 

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while, and then said, "I have it sorted out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"

 

"We have no cellphone reception at all in our village."

A man kisses his wife goodbye and leaves to work early in the morning

His wife calls her 2 lovers to come in just as her husband leaves. None less than 2 hours later the husband arrives.

 

"Quick hide, it's my husband" she says to the 2 men.

 

The first guy hides in the attic and the second one hides under the bed.

 

The man enters the bedroom seemingly disappointed and sad.

"Honey, i got bad news" he says to his wife.

"Oh my dear what is it?"

 

"Well first i got fired from work"

"Oh hon don't worry, he who is up there shall provide for us"

 

"And i got into a car accident"

"Don't worry, for he who is up there shall provide for us"

 

"And the fault was mine, and I'm not insured"

"Don't worry my love, for he who is up there shall provide for us"

 

The first man hiding in the attic jumped out visibly furious.

 

"I ain't providing nothin, how bout you tell the other guy under the bed to provide huh?"

If anyone has any decent fish puns, please let minnow...

17 minutes ago, Hamus Yaigh said:

If anyone has any decent fish puns, please let minnow...

 

Gill Gates, the flounder of Mackerelsoft

They always say that there’s more fish in the sea

But it’s kinda hard to catch fish when your rod is too short.

I woke up with fish in my ears this morning

Ended up with a herring problem

What do you call hunting for fish in Chernobyl?

Nuclear fishin'.