I would have loved to have had a gay dad.

Do you remember at school, there were always kids saying My dad's bigger than your dad, My dad will batter your dad! 

I would love to have said; "So what? My dad will <deleted> your dad. And your dad will enjoy it."

Worst excuse for being late at a drug addicts rehabilitation meeting;
Sorry I'm late I had trouble finding a vein!

One day, an Australian man was sitting in a clearing in the forest, banging cymbals and pots and pans and loudly singing off key. A local warlock was working nearby, and came out to confront the man. He tried to be nice at first.

“Hey, would you quiet down? I’m trying to cast spells”.

The man ignored the warlock, and kept banging on the cymbals and pots. The warlock grew angry.

“Quiet down or I’ll cast a spell on you!”

The man ignored him, and sang louder.

The Warlock snapped. “If you don’t stop that racket by the time I count to three, I’ll turn you into a Koala Bear and THEN you’ll be quiet!”

The man burst into a louder chorus still. The Warlock started to count.

“One!” The man banged the pots louder.

“Two!” The man started banging the pots on the cymbals.

“Three!” The Warlock raised his staff, shouted incantations to the sky, enveloped in a buzzing sphere of yellow light, hurling it towards the man and yelling “Now you are Koala!”

But the light dissipated as soon as it hit the man, and he kept on banging the cymbals and singing.

The Warlock shook his head. “That’s impossible! How did you not change?!”

The man looked over at the Warlock and shrugged.

 

“It’s just like the last guy who wandered by said. I’m unbearable.”
 

A woman walks into the ER and sits down in one of the chairs. 
After a moment of silence, she shouts “Shouldn’t!”. 
A minute passes. “Can’t! Wouldn’t!” 
Another minute. “Oughtn’t! Could’ve! Won’t!”. 
A doctor hears her shouts and dashes over to her and shouts out 

“Somebody call the maternity ward! This woman’s suffering contractions!”
 

2 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

What a difference a letter makes..............................

 

The teacher asks the class "What is the most important letter in the alphabet?"

"J", shouts Johnnie, "'cause it's the first letter of my name".

"L", says little Suzie, "because of love".

"E" says Mark, "because it's used in more words than any other letter".

"G", says the kid in the corner.

"Why do you say that, Angus?" asks the teacher.

 

After my wife died I couldn't look at another woman for 20 years.

But when I got out of prison it was totally worth it.