"I have a split personality,"
said Tom, being frank.

To cut a long story short...
use fewer words.

Profound advice:

Never get on 1 knee for a girl, who won't get on 2 knees for you.

Last night at the gym I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in.

To cut a long story short; she's made a formal complaint and I'm banned for life.

I've just been attacked by a little ginger boy doing martial arts!

It turned out to be the carroty kid.

 

 

 

I picked up a hitchhiker last night.

He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger.
He asked, “Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”
As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman? How’d you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the bin. That was what probably was making her sick.”
The younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she’s very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?”
“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed

New Season Of The Proms Yeah.

Orchestral Disturbance No 1 in E Flat Major

 

I started my new job as a clairvoyant next week.

Whenever my wife is upset i let her colour in my tattoos.
She just needs a shoulder to crayon.

I just bought two Harry Potter brooms in Poundland!

 

Quid each!

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is that a cocktus?

13 minutes ago, roo860 said:

is that a cocktus?

French Stickler....

32 minutes ago, roo860 said:

is that a cocktus?

No just a hell of a lot of little pricks!